Start Again

IMPORTANT NOTE!

First of all, this is a trigger warning for this note and the next chapter, also a part PSA.

I'm sorry for the length of the next chapter, BUT I felt like there was no short way to write it. Also I promise things will perk up after this chapter. Honestly this next chapter felt very therapeutic to write for a reason that I'm almost ashamed to admit. I know this is only a fictional story but to give a character I created a chance to confront someone who abused her felt nice because I myself never had the chance to do that.

To admit this on a story that right now as I write this has 500+ reads gives me terrible anxiety, but I feel like I owe it to the younger and afraid me to admit that I was emotionally abused. At the time I didn't even know that what I was going through was emotional abuse, but now being almost 3 years away from the relationship I know that's what it was.

He wasn't just a mean ex that I had. He was a person that I at one point thought I loved and put my trust in, but he betrayed my trust and he is my abuser. He used a time when I had just lost a family member and was weak to belittle me, make me cry, and guilt me back into a relationship with him before I was strong enough to walk away from him for good.

Because of my experience I now struggle with anxiety that is worse than when I first met him, depression that comes and goes in waves, and am plagued with self-doubt because of the things he told me. Despite all of this I try to stay as positive as I can. I try not to let my anxiety and depression bring me down or hold me back and try to remind myself that I still have so much love to give.

It's easy to say "Why me? What did I do wrong?" but I have to remind myself that I did nothing wrong to deserve what he put me through. This is not a easy thing to write as I have not even told my family and friends that I went through this because like I said before I do almost feel ashamed to admit it. But I shouldn't feel ashamed, I know that it does not make me a weak person.

The point of me writing this is not to say "woe is me I've been through hard times." I do not want or need pity, I wrote this because I now feel strong enough to tell a small part of my experience and to tell people that have been abused or are being abused that you are not alone.

 I would say I'm lucky that the abuse was only emotional not physical and that I'm lucky I'm still here to tell my story, if I was truly lucky but I'm not lucky. No one who is abused is ever lucky because abuse is abuse regardless of what form it comes in. However, while I came out of the relationship physically unharmed there are some who do not come out of it unharmed and many who do not come out of it at all. Please be kind to one another and keep in mind that what you say to someone has a bigger impact than you think it may at the moment you say it.

PSA: To anyone who is currently going through what I went through, I KNOW IT'S HARD BUT YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO WALK AWAY. YOU DO NOT NEED THEM IN YOUR LIFE REGARDLESS OF WHAT LIES THEY MAY TELL YOU BECAUSE THEY ARE LIES. And to anyone who has been abused emotionally or physically, you are so strong and don't let anyone or anything ever bring you down again.