I Don't Care if You're Sick

There's No Good Chapter Name for This

Kellin's POV

My therapy session was boring, I didn't speak to him that much, only saying "yes" "no" and "maybe, I dunno." He asked me questions for half the time and the other half he just lectured me about how suicide was not the way out of my problems.

He told me it would just pass the pain to someone else but I had a broken family and no friends who would miss me so why would I care if there was no one to miss me?

Ashley dismissed me after the 45 minutes and I got through the first half of the day easily, Vic and I mostly hung in the back of the therapy sessions and talked.

I got out and went to my room, to me delight, Vic was there too.

"Hey, what's up?" Vic looked up from his notebook, "I'm looking through my songs and thinking of a new one."

I sat on my bed across from him and watched him write for a while before speaking up, "You won't be able to write songs or sing King for a Day if you're dead." I commented as he started to turn his attention back go to the notebook full of songs.
"I know, but I don't care, my band will find a new singer and I'll be singing in heaven or hell either one. I dunno if suicide is a ticket to hell."

"Do you believe in heaven and hell?"

"I was born and raised a Catholic so I guess so. I believe there's a God, a heaven, and a hell. What do you believe?"

I thought for a second, "I believe there's a being that has higher power. I dunno though, I can't prove or disprove the existence of him."

Vic shrugged and read over his song he had just finished, "What song are you writing?"
"It's called The Sky Under the Sea."
"What's it about?"
"It's about admitting that I am the selfish machine, it's about being selfish about love and taking what you want without regret. The selfish machine refers to the animal inside all of us that no one ever wants to admit that it's there. I consider all our evil thoughts and desires that we are ashamed of to be perfectly natural. We are all human and no one is perfect despite how morally good someone may think he or she is."
(Again, real quote)

"Wow, you but a lot of thought into your songs, don't you?" Vic smiled at me, "Yeah, I do. Each song is precious to me, they all have a meaning."

"I write songs too, I can't imagine looking back and go, 'I didn't write any of these songs.' You can have stacks of cds to hand to your kids and say 'this is my life.' Or you can have stacks of cash." (Basically the whole quote)

"I could never write a song with out a meaning. I channel all my anger, hate, selfishness, pain, and regrets into these songs. You're right, they're my life, my whole history is written in the songs. My band members help me write them too as we all grew up together for the most part. We've grown into a family."

Vic set down the notebook and turned to me so we were each sitting criss-cross-applesauce on our beds, staring into each others eyes. His eyes were a beautiful brown color, mine were green.

"You have a really calming voice. It's really deep and I came in here thinking of cutting, even though there's nothing to cut with, but now, I don't want too, thanks." Vic smiled and opened his mouth but just then some some one barged in, "Lunch time losers." It was Brendon and Dallon, holding hands.

"You two will get in trouble if they catch you guys kissing or something like that." They rolled their eyes and left our room.

"Lets go, I'm hungry." Vic got up and I followed even though I wasn't planning on eating as I was fat.

"Aren't you going to eat?" He grabbed me my styrofoam box with my name on it even though I shook my head. "You should, I know you think your fat but I think you're beautiful. Uh not in a creepy way haha." I sighed, we went to the far corner of the lounge with a small table. I sighed as I looked at the food I had picked out on the survey, at least it was better than the breakfast. I ate the mashed potatoes and a few bites of the pork, it wasn't terrible.

"You need to eat more, I'll have your pork and you can have my potatoes." We weren't allowed to share food but we did anyways and any time I got the chance to fuck the system I did, besides, I was actually hungry.

"We switched boxes and I ate his potatoes and he ate my pork. "I dunno why you'd think your fat, you're super skinny and I'm not trying to skinny shame you, I just think you maybe should listen to the positive things people tell you, not the negative."

Vic was right about what he said, I needed to focus on the positive.

I needed to work on that.