Thomas Sangster & Newt Imagines

Broken arrows || TBS-part 4

"Oh, Tommy", I whispered and I could feel my eyes getting wet. I swallowed the lump in my throat before I was able to speak again. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!" I started to sob and I hid my face in my hands.

Jack and Tasha were in the kitchen too, but they said nothing. That was something between me and my husband. I heard slow steps coming closer and I knew I was ready for his anger, no matter how bad it would have been.

But instead of that, I felt his strong arms around my shoulders pulling me closer into a tight hug. In that moment I lost it and I cried like never before. He said nothing during my crisis, he just held me there squeezed against his chest.

After awhile I began to feel calmer. My breaths were at a steady pace and my eyes were dry. But even then, Thomas didn't let go and I was feeling so thankful for that. He was waiting for me just to feel ready to talk. So after another couple of minutes I finally looked up at him.

"I know you're mad, Tommy", I said with my quivering voice.

He didn't say anything for a couple of seconds, he was constantly swallowing and I could see his adam's apple moving up and down while doing so. He then moved his gaze towards me and suddenly I felt so small.

"I am...very mad", he said. "But not with you, of course."

His features softened while looking at me and then sadness seemed to replace his previous emotions. "I'm angry with myself."

I wasn't expected that kind of an answer. I was expected him to yell at me, blaming me for being stupid and careless.

"What do you mean?", was all I could ask.

"I'm blaming myself for leaving you, for choosing my job instead of my family", his voice was cracking by now, but he kept talking. "I'm blaming myself for not being here when you needed me the most."

He wanted to say more, I could see it by the way his lips were moving; but he couldn't. He then just took a deep breath, pulling me closer again against his chest and started to sob. Thomas rested his chin on top of my head, his arms around my shoulders again while my arms were around his waist. He was slowly crying now. It was my turn to be strong for him and hold him tight like the way he did for me when I was crying.

Tasha stayed over night in one of the guests' bedrooms. She wanted to make sure that everything was under control. They were all aware that my mental health was weak now and that in every moment I could have a breakdown.

I was lying in bed facing the ceiling when Thomas got out of the shower. He only had a towel around his waist, his dirty blonde hair still wet. He put his underwear and went to bed, pulling the covers above us.

"How are you feeling?"he asked pulling me towards his body in a warm hug.

I hugged him back, resting my head on top of his chest.

"I don't really know, a bit numb I guess." I sighed. I was having my husband back, half naked in my bed and I wasn't feeling anything.

"We're going to be okay", he tried to encourage me.

I didn't say a thing; I couldn't anyways. I suddenly felt my eyes wet again and my tears started to run down my cheeks. Thomas felt my trembling body and hugged me even tighter, kissing my forehead.

"It's okay, love. I'm here now." His voice was soothing and he gently started to rub my back.

"But we tried so hard, Thomas!", I said through my tears. "We wanted that baby so bad and you deserved to be a father!" So I lost it again, like earlier in the kitchen. " And now it's gone! Everything is gone!"

My body was shaking so bad that I couldn't breath; I realized then that I was having a panic attack. Thomas made me sit up, trying to make me focus at his breathing. But I couldn't hear anything, couldn't focus at anything. All I knew in that moment was that I was suffocating.

So he pulled me into his arms again, holding me tight even if I was struggling to set free.

"We can make it, do you hear me? We're going to get through this!", he was half whispering, half yelling at me.

Slowly I was starting to regain my breath. I was still crying, but I wasn't sobbing anymore. I hugged Thomas and I hid my face in the crook of his neck.

"We can't give up", he said. "You can't give up. I won't let you." His voice was shaky, but I could tell he was trying to be strong for me.

I felt my lashes becoming suddenly heavy. It was a long day and I was tired from all that crying. Thomas held me into his arms for another couple of minutes, before laying me on the bed half asleep. He laid down next to me, hugging me from behind. His strong arms held me the whole night, even if I was constantly waking up because of the nightmares. He was always there to comfort me, kissing me and whispering reassuring words into my ear until I would finally fell asleep again.

Thomas had stayed home for a week, before Wes called him on the set again. He knew he had to go at some point, so he took care of the other things before he left. Things like the baby's room; I couldn't meet the designer, nor see how the things were going on in there since that awful night. But Thomas said that we should go on with it, because someday we're going to need that room. He still had hope that we're going to have a baby in the near future. I didn't say anything, I didn't want to get my hopes high just to be disappointed again.

After that he basically dragged me to a psychologist, because I still had nightmares during the night. All that and because I was afraid of getting pregnant again; I barely let him touch me while he was home and even if he proposed protection I declined any contact and kept the distance. But he understood I needed time.

"I have to go, love" he said that morning before the departure. "I'm a horrible husband I know, but..."

"No, you're not Tommy", I shushed him with my fingers on his lips. "You're the best and I love you. You need to do your job."

"I know, but I'm leaving you again and I don't like it. You should have come with me."

"It's not the best place for me to be at the moment", I said. "I need quiet for now."

"I know, I'm sorry. I'm being selfish again."

"Stop blaming yourself for every damn thing, Sangster!", I smiled then punched him in the arm. "You have a plain to catch, now go!"

He gave a sad smile, then kissed me on the forehead. "I'm going to call you every day, okay? And don't forget about the doctor appointments."

"I won't", I said. "I know Jack already swore to you that he would drag me there if necessary."

We were both laughing now, his face a bit pink from the guilt. I hugged him tight, my arms around his neck and I kissed him on the lips. He was holding me by my waist, pulling me closer but still half laughing through the kiss.

"I love you", he said then. "I promise I'll take some time off when the filming is over. We could go on a trip or something, just the two of us."

"Sounds great, Tommy", I smiled and kissed him again. "I love you too."