To Feel

I Made You Someone You're Not

I have so many mixed feelings over you, and I don't know which one is real. I've created this fantasy in my mind that you didn't just stop fighting for me, but in reality that's exactly what you did. I portrayed you to be a super hero that would eventually come back and save me. I constantly blame myself for your disappearance because I don't know why you stopped caring. You never put in the effort and that leaves me craving for something I'll never have. I want your love, appreciation, anything that shows me you care. I'm wishing on a star, knowing that wishes can't come true. Especially since I'm the only one putting effort into it, and we both know it won't work if only one of us wants it. I'm just afraid I've let you down. You pretended to love me, and then just stopped talking to me. Just like that. How am I supposed to create long lasting relationships with anyone when I'm afraid they're just going to follow your steps? I push people away because I'm afraid I'll get too close, only for them to lose interest in me just like you did. You've made my mind think differently. I let myself pick every flaw I have and bring myself down, hoping I'll be able to fix myself in hopes that one day you'll actually want to come around. I've changed so much in hopes you'll like the person I've become. I regret so many things, letting my past haunt me. I've been told you love me, but the last time I've heard those three words escape your lips you were laying in a hospital bed. That's not love. How could it be? You could have died any moment and that's when you decided to tell me you love me. Love shows in many forms, and that was not a form. That was a false saying that you said only because your family was there waiting for it. If one day there's an opportunity to communicate with you I can't even guaranteed if I would take the opportunity.