Always and Forever

19 - Finally (Part: 1)

A month later...

~Journal Entry ~

How can you describe a feeling you don't quite understand? A sensation that you've never felt but it's so intense you can't help but be taken over by it's influence on your mind. For awhile, I've kept this to myself because I didn't truly understand myself what was going on.. I honestly thought I was crazy.. but.. now.. I think I know exactly going on.  It... started after that first night Janet's hands ever traveled somewhat below the waist. This yearning and burning desire to feel more has grown deeper and harder to maintain. I can't think straight, I can't function normally until I calm the feeling which is only temporary. I've discovered that I am very sensual, and it's slowing driving me crazy. I often find myself softly feeling and touching on my skin at random times just to satisfy the need of wanting hands on me.. thinking of very sexual and explicit thoughts at any time of the day.
I... I've even began to touch myself in other places so you can say I discovered the art of what I''ll call " self pleasure."

At first I only did it once in a blue moon, but as time passed...I started to do it more frequently .. every now & then to every few days maybe. Now.. it's damn near every single night. I just have to feel this sensation and no matter what, I just can't shake it. I just continue to throb and yearn for pleasure like a fiend craving it's next high. I've done some thinking and praying about this but I honestly made up my mind. I want to experience pleasure like a real woman, not with my own hands. I want to know what's like to be pleased and to learn how to please in that way. I want to feel that intimate passion that I read about in my books, see on t.v. and in the movies. I know it's against every belief I've learned but I want Jan to give me what my mind, body and soul what  its madly, constantly and desperately craving..

I closed my journal and sighed as I stared up at the ceiling while laying in bed. . The house was so quiet with my family at church. I had decided to stay home to "study." But Janet was coming to see me finally after being away for a few days..

Everything that I wrote was true. My birthday was in two days and now things will be much different since I'm going to be eighteen. And just as I was about to drift off into my thoughts, I heard taps on my window. I smiled cause it was my baby. She hadn't been at school much lately so this was our thing now. I got up and opened my window. As soon as Janet peeked her head in, I kissed her lips.

"Hey Jan, get in here." I said as I helped her inside my window and she had placed this long, white box on my bed before grabbing me into a hug.

"I missed you Toni. " she said as she just started into my eyes. She looked happy but like she had something on her mind. She had worry in those big brown eyes of hers

"I missed you too, and glad you came but are you okay? You look worried." I said As rubbed Janet's shoulders. She sighed as we walked over to my bed. She grabbed both of my hands.

"Well... It kinda..looks as if I'll be gone on your birthday. I'll only be gone for two days...I'm so sorry Toni, I mean.. I-

I stopped her with a long, passionate kiss as I ran my finger though her soft, black curls.

"Baby, as upset I could be.. honestly all I'm gonna be doing is the usual family dinner and all that on my birthday. And we can celebrate when you come back. I don't want you going to handle business feeling bad. You need to be in the highest spirits."