From the moment they first laid eyes on each other, little did they know that they were going to be happily married with four children years later.
This love wasn't on purpose, it just happened. They started as friends, and eventually became lovers...
This is the moment in a woman's life where difficult situations come about, and shapes the perception of her outlook on the world. And it can be as simple as a separation. I'm going about my goals, graduated from high school officially, and will be off to college in less than a month... back in my hometown without my parents over me..new found freedom.
I should be happy right ? I should see the good in being away from strict eyes and live freely. The truth of the matter is... I can't be fully happy.
Even after I held my diploma after walking across the stage....my class being introduced..as everyone threw their hands in the air, there was an aching pain in my heart that nothing would ever mend. But I smiled...I laughed, I gave everyone what they wanted of me. My mother did imprint something in me throughout these years. Keep those personal thoughts inside.. but I didn't go by her reasons. It's just.. people don't care.. they will see a pouring heart, seem to mend it and then just break it. And with Janet gone, my heart, my thoughts and my feelings didn't feel safe and like they mattered anymore. So I was going to keep them hidden. Nobody was getting this Toni. Her sweetness, her vulnerability, her loyalty was much too precious to trust anybody with it. If it wasn't Janet, they won't have all of me. I'll keep up this facade, doesn't matter if I hurt right?
As long as I'm perfect, dutiful Toni, all is right in the world. I knew...Janet leaving would affect me deeply, but I didn't imagine how much pain it would ACTUALLY give me. I feel.. sick. I feel so lonely so..lost.. I could sit in the living room with my family, watching them laugh and talk about their day or what's on t.v... while they laughed, all I wanted to do is burst into tears.
But I keep it all, inside. It's a heavy pain, I just.. I'd rather hurt in silence then trust these feelings with anyone ..but I'm gonna use this pain. When I sing, I'm gonna use this pain to turn into my passion. I'm gonna make everyone who hears my voice when I sing my passion, my heart and my pain.. Feel it deep in their souls. To know my music is soulful, emotional and real. I'm gonna sing from this beautiful breaking heart.
And...I'm gonna pray... I'm gonna pray that If Janet hears it, she feels it too.
And remembers I'm still here.
And that was the last time I wrote in that journal, I guess it was an end of an era, so to speak. It was my transition into womanhood. I put all my energy into the books, singing and keeping my dream alive. My parents had decided to relocate back in Maryland with me, I didn't mind. It wasn't gonna stop me at all. My parents were loosening their strict grips and letting us grow up and pursue dream. In moderation of course.
My sisters and I were doing small appearances, singing in the mall, talent shows and even though most people weren't that eager to hear a group of church girls sing a song with the lord's prayer along side a nice drink or after a night of partying, they couldn't deny we had talent.
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