a/n: i promise you want to listen to the audio for this. also if anyone ever needs someone to chat with, i'm here for that too. ily, enjoy.
Troye's pov
It's a waiting game now.
Jacob is trying everything to keep me distracted, occupy my mind and hands, while Dad is watching over me as if I'm a ticking time bomb. He called into the academy and said I wasn't going to make it there this week, which I assured him was nonsense, but he was set on what he told them.
Jacob handed me my portrait of Mum.
"What are you going to do with this?" He asks, setting it down on the kitchen table and sitting down across from me.
I pick it up and hold it up to the light, "It's going to be used as her funeral portrait. That's what it was always for."
Averting my eyes back to him, I watch as his eyes water and he nods his head up and down.
"Alright..."
"Troye," Dad whispers, barging out from his room.
I stand up and whip my head around in his direction.
"Troye," He repeats, caution flooding through his body.
"D-did sh-he?" I stumble out before my throat locks up on me and my heart drops. "Is she?"
A tear falls down his face and he nods, "She's gone."
Everything stops.
Every last thing pauses. The clock ticking away on the wall, the buzz of the air conditioning, the anxious clicking of my fingers... everything. My vision blurs and all that's heard is a sharp piercing sound in my ear.
I mumble out some nonsense as my body drops down to the floor and my eyes flutter shut.
"Troye!" I hear Jacob yell, though it sounds like a whisper.
Like I'm underwater and he's up top yelling for me to come up.
"Troye!" Is yelled again.
I feel arms wrap me up and lift me off of the cold floor. My eyes peek open, though my body remains still. I attempt to move, just do something, but my body remains still. It's as if I'm being held down. So I forcibly watch as I'm carried to my room and set down on my bed.
As I'm set down, I feel a tear roll down my cheek. I smile, relieved that I can feel.
"Troye."
I glance up to see Jacob sitting on the bed next to me.
"Jacob..." I utter out.
My mind blurs again and with what feels to be a big bang in my chest, everything feels too heavy.
"Jacob.... n-no, Jacob, no." I cry out, gripping a hold of him and pulling him down next to me.
"No, no, no, no, no, no, n-no, help, no." I whisper, my breathing quickly going jagged.
"No! No, no, no, no, no!" I scream, letting my tight grip go loose around the boy as I turn around on my side in bed and sob into my pillow.
Finding it hard to stay still, I sit up and stare straight out at my paintings, attempting to see through the haze. I grab my pillow and throw it at my wall, my body trembling as I watch the paintings one by one tumble down onto the ground and smack against the carpet.
I let out a wrecked cry and lean back against my headboard, grabbing my blankie and jumbling it up into a ball. I hold it against my chest and let my head fall into it, attempting to muffle my cries.
Jacob places a hand on my shoulder, whispering something about it being alright. But it wasn't alright. I flinch away from his touch and scoot away.
"Please don't touch me."
I peek my head up from my blankie and the first thing I notice are his tear stained cheeks. That and his terribly devastated frown.
"Troye," He croaks, holding out a hand for me to take.
Shaking my head no, I sniffle and wipe my eyes.
"It's not fair, it's not fair." I mutter, leaning my head back and bumping it against the headboard.
A horrifically dark idea comes to mind and I bump my head against the wood again, harder this time. I whimper and do it again, harder.
"What are you doing?" He asks quietly, barely above a whisper.
I squeeze my eyes shut and do it again, banging my head against the wood.
"Hey, stop."
I chuckle and do it again, feeling a trickle of blood hit my skin.
"Stop, Troye."
Again, and again and again and again and again.
"Stop! Troye! Stop, stop, no!" He shouts, pulling me down onto the mattress.
He pulls me to his chest and spoons me, holding tightly.
"I can't trust you right now, can I?" He speculates, rocking our bodies back and forth to hush my crying.
"I wouldn't," I murmur, feeling a horrid headache hit me.
"She's gone... heaven couldn't wait for her." I whisper.
Heaven couldn't wait for you.
Another wave of emotion hits me and my body shakes as I have another outburst, thrashing my legs around and yelling nonsense.
"It's- she's- no! Mum! Mommy, where are you?!"
"Where'd she go?!"
"Help!"
"No!!"
Jacob keeps quiet and holds me still the whole time, never ceasing to whisper uselessly comforting words in my ear.
"You're alright, baby, she's alright. She's up there now." He murmurs, pointing to the ceiling.
I nod and hiccup, slipping my hand from his hold and wiping my flooded cheeks.
"I wish it were me." I mumble.
"Pardon?" He asks, taking my hand and holding it back against my chest with my other.
"I wish it were me."
"I wish it were me that left."
He shakes his head no, letting out a small sniffle.
"No, you don't. I promise."
My body falls in defeat and I sigh, kissing his arm and letting my head fall against it.
"...I wish heaven would've waited."
Soft kisses to my temple, hushed murmurs, and his warm body is all that's sensed as I pass out, a tear falling down my cheek.
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a/n: incase i actually really messed you guys up with this chapter, ily, you're okay, you're loved, tell your loved ones you love them, you're okay.
you're okay, xx
