keep it up ↠ joshler ✔

15

:::

tyler was shaking. not just his hands and his fingers, his entire body was shaking uncontrollably.

the cigarettes didn't work. for the last few years they've always worked, they've always calmed him down, that was why he carried them everywhere. but now, he didn't know what to do.

he couldn't call jenna. not now. if she saw him like this she would make him go back to the therapist. he couldn't do that.

he paced back and forth in the apartment, holding his arms and scratching them, leaving marks of red like blood streams down them in vertical stripes.

he sat on a nearby chair, rocking back and forth still, muttering random words such as, "no no no no no..." and "i can't, i can't, i can't..." over and over again.

he was a wreck. thoughts of what josh had said in his 'dream' returning to him and floating through his brain, and he couldn't help but piece them together.

"of course he's using me, nobody else likes me, why would he? it makes no sense... and the fact that josh never told me anything personal has to be because it would be pointless, there's no need to know where he lives if he's just gonna leave me, and he's probably only using me anyway to get back at someone... gain my trust for something..."

tyler's thoughts wandered on like this for a whole half hour, tears leaking from his eyes and dripping down his cheeks.

"i should leave... i should move somewhere... away from him... why don't i? what's stopping me? its not because i like this cruddy apartment, it's not because i don't want to leave my family...

"is it josh?

"no, there's no way i want to stay here just to be with josh, i mean, he's way too nosy, he listens to weird music, he dresses funny, can't play a single sport, and his hair looks like it's about to fall out any day because of the cheap dye...

"i mean, he's just like this leach who attaches to people and tries to help them like he's a personal therapist, it's unnecessary and even kind of annoying...

"what am i thinking? this is josh, the same josh who's just using me for his advantage, the josh who hates me...

"well, i mean he's kind of helpful, he introduced me to ukulele, he even paid for it just because he saw it made me happy...

"but what is he doing with me, anyway? i don't make him happy... he's either using me for some weird personal gain or only here because he pities me.

"he needs someone with imagination, someone to take care of him, someone to laugh at his jokes...

"not someone who lashes out on him every five minutes."

flashbacks of days with josh flooded tyler's head, his squinty smile when tyler made a bad joke, josh laughing during games of little big planet, josh's smile when tyler sang to him on the ukulele, the two laughing and running through the rain trying to get to tyler's apartment, josh telling tyler to "keep it up," with a proud smile on his face whenever tyler told him he got a full night of sleep or found something to appreciate.

and, just like that, it hit him.

even though he knew deep down that josh hated him, he suddenly knew why he couldn't let josh go.

"holy shit..." tyler said out loud, dried tears still marking his cheeks, which were a vibrant red.

lowering his eyebrows in realization, he finished the thought,"i'm in love with josh... i am majorly, totally, crazily in love with josh..."

tyler fell onto the couch again, hiding his face in his hands and crying once again in frustration.

"no, no, no, no, no... i can't be, no way... it's stupid, it's pointless, its...."

tyler pictured josh's face when he was about to show him the drums. happy, excited, proud, and beautiful.

"it's undeniable.... i'm fucking head over heels."