keep it up ↠ joshler ✔

27

:::

tyler was laid on his back, staring at the ceiling, thoughts flooding through his head at hundred of miles per hour.

he really wished for a skylight.

josh, his josh, josh dun, was sick.

not even just an illness, but something so bad he needed chemotherapy.

at first, it seemed impossible. tyler didn't believe it, nor did he want to.

but the longer he stared at the ceiling, the more he realized just how everything fit.

why josh was so pale.

why he was so weak.

why he was so light.

why he didn't care about killing his hair with dye.

why he was never attended school.

why he loved drums, yet never continued.

why he didn't play any sports.

why his family greeted him like they hadn't seem him in weeks, and why they said goodbye like they wouldn't see him for another month.

why he disappeared every night.

slowly, things began to make sense, and explanations fell into place. even just the small details began to fit into the huge puzzle that seemed to be josh's life.

it still seemed impossible, however, and there was an undertone of anger and hurt welling in tyler's chest.

why didn't josh tell him? why did josh allow him to fall in love, if he only knew he might have to leave one day?

the entire situation was unreal. a nightmare. only, tyler knew it wasn't one, because there were no moving shapes or an inner voice telling him to doubt himself.

no, this was reality, and it was all happening.

way too quickly.

tyler sat up, still breathing heavy. his face was sunken in and there were dried lines of tears running down his face.

everything hurt.

among all of the memories that tyler was currently thinking over with josh, a certain few really had a light shone on them.

god, tyler kept talking about how much he wanted to die, meanwhile josh could have his life ripped out from under him any day.

josh, who was always so motivating, who told tyler that life was to be treasured and that he should appreciate every day.

tyler continued taking long, deep breaths. he wanted to scream, he wanted to throw something, but he couldn't.

"okay, now i know you're not alright. need some company?"

tyler looked up, finding patrick looking at him, an eyebrow raised.

"if not, that's okay. some people like to be alone when they're sad. but if you ever-"

"whose bed is that?" tyler cut him off.

patrick turned to look where tyler was pointing. it was the empty bed, the one surrounded by alien stickers and plush cats and a pair of bright red drumsticks that were just hiding on the bottom shelf of the bedside table.

"oh, nobody's now, i don't think-"

"patrick, whose bed is that?"

patrick heard the pain in tyler's voice, and felt far too sorry for him to lie again.

"um, it's, well, it's sort of josh's..."

"m-my.. my josh?"

patrick nodded. "he didn't want us to tell you. i'm sorry."

tyler only began fumbling with his fingers. "w-what is it, then? cancer? please tell me it's not-"

"i think it would be best for him to explain..." patrick cut him off.

tyler panned the room, eyes falling on patrick again, "w-why.. what do you have? why are you here?"

patrick tried to smile, "lung cancer. like hazel grace lancaster."

tyler gulped. "a-and him? gerard? if h-he doesn't mind,"

"he came in from alcohol poisoning, and they ended up finding a brain tumor." patrick explained, sadly.

tyler bit his lip, "then.. then i'm in a cancer ward? am i- do i have-"

"no, don't worry, you don't have cancer or anything. they didn't have any open rooms, so they put you here."

tyler began taking fast, heavy breaths again. it felt like he was dying, like he was having another heart attack. but this time, not from smoking. no. this time from a weird mixture of pain, anger, fear, and sadness.

he gripped the sheets again, and his chest was moving up and down rapidly, just like his heartbeat.

"hey, remember what i said, if you need someone to talk to, i'm here." patrick said, giving tyler a half-smile. "and don't worry, i'm good with secrets."

tyler shook his head. "n-no more secrets. and, um, thanks."

"just feel free to vent anytime."

tyler nodded.

secrets.

his and josh's relationship was built entirely around secrets, wasn't it?

the smoking, the cancer, ryan-

oh, god... ryan...

tyler felt like he was going to puke.

he managed to keep it down, however, when the doors opened and in stepped a familiar figure- one who tyler didn't like so much.

the situation would have been much worse if mikey hadn't walked over to gerard.

"hey, bro," mikey greeted him, and tyler saw gerard look up from his comic for once.

that's how josh and mikey must have met, tyler figured.

the entire thing was still surreal. it didn't feel like anything was happening, yet, here it was, all unfolding right before tyler's eyes.