Everything Changes (Sequel To Daryl's Girl)

Chapter 34

The road back home was a long one. Neither Maggie, Carol nor I said a single word throughout the journey. I just couldn't piece together or begin to understand why Carol had suddenly become like the woman she once was, back on the farm. Were those people the last straw? Were they the last straw for me?

Even when we got back, I didn't say anything to anyone. I just went straight to mine and Daryl's room and lay on the bed staring at the ceiling.

Carol had said she'd killed eighteen people since all this started, and after today, that number was easily into the twenties, but until now, I hadn't given it a seconds thought as to how high my own kill count would be. I mean, I had always blamed myself for Sophia's death, so there's one. And then there was Shane, Norman, two, three. The list could go on, and whether or not I'd remember each and every single person was an entirely different question. It scared me to think how high it already was, let alone how high it could go. That I'd just become numb to killing.

I couldn't shake those thoughts for the next two days as I continued trying to count the deaths that I had on my conscious. Every time I tried, I'd lose count or I'd remember someone new and have to start all over again. It was like a part of me was missing and trying to pretend like everything was okay was just exhausting. I was pushing people away, but I couldn't work out whether it was for myself or was it so nobody else gets hurt?

"Lily!" 

So lost in my own thoughts, I'd forgotten where I was and what I was doing. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

"I was saying." Briana sighed. "You've not been yourself for days. What's going on?"

I shook my head and turned off the tap, taking a sip of my water before turning to face her. I didn't answer.

"Look, you and I both know that sooner or later I'm gonna get it out of you, so lets go, sit down and cut the crap."

For a split second, I contemplated just telling her the truth because, she was right. If anyone was gonna get to the bottom of what was happening, it was her, but I wasn't ready. I didn't understand it myself, let alone have someone else try. It wasn't just something she thought she could fix. I needed to deal with it on my own.

"Briana-"

"Oh look, finally she speaks." She interrupted. 

I glanced over and forced the best smile I could. I wanted to say something witty back. I just didn't have it in me. "I'm fine. Just something on my mind."

"Are you sure? Because we're all worried about you. Especially Daryl."

"Yeah. I just can't stop thinking about that fire we set." I wanted to tell her, but the last thing I wanted was to burden her with what was going on inside my head. Have her experience the same thing. "It reminded me of my dad." 

I didn't know where that came from, but as the words left my mouth, it really did remind me of him. How he died. The pain. The Screams. Is that what he felt when Carol...

Briana's face softened as I sat fighting back the tears threatening to fall. I didn't want to cry and I knew she wanted to say something more, but we could both see this conversation was done. All that was left was me feeling trapped and tortured with my own mind.

It wasn't long before our silence was broken and the two of us turned to face the door as it opened and Daryl walked in. 

"Hey." He said and took a hesitant step towards me.

"Hey." I replied. I felt terrible for giving him the cold shoulder for the past couple days. He didn't deserve that.

"You alright?" He asked, a more concerned yet caring tone to his voice.