LEXA:
"Then this is goodbye, for now."
I walked away from Clarke to prepare for my battle with Roan, at that point not knowing if those would be the last words I'd ever say to her. Clarke had refused to attend the fight, she was from a different way of life, I knew she didn't always understand our ways. There was something different about her reaction to my acceptance of Queen Nia's challenge, something more than just a disapproval of our traditions. She dropped her guard for a second, she'd let me know she cared.
I couldnt get her out of my mind even when I was preparing for the fight. "Focus Lexa!" That inner voice calling out in my head, trying to center me. I tried my best to heed it.
After I had changed into my battle clothing and applied the black warpaint to my eyes, Titus led me to the sacred room of The Flamekeeper. He waited outside whilst I sat alone and meditated, a ritual I had always abided before going into battle. That space was our spiritual connection to Becca Pramheda, a place that linked both Flamekeeper and Commander to our past. I sat for a while and listened to the echos in my mind. They told me to honour the spirit of The Commander, to remember my teachings, to stay strong and to fight with a warriors heart. The voices of the past Commanders always leading, always guiding. I breathed deeply and stood to my feet. Looking upon the sacred symbol on the wall in front of me I repeated the words underneath it, "Seek higher things." In that moment everything became clear. I knew I would not die that day that I would not take the life of Prince Roan, instead it would be his mother, Queen Nia that would not survive the day.
Making my way to meet with destiny in that arena, I hoped I'd see Clarke, that she'd changed her mind.
I was to fight for many things that day, the end of Azgeda's tyrany, the memory of Costia, the honour of The Commander, but also to honour Clarke Kom Skaikru the girl I had vowed to protect at all costs. The girl who now held my heart.
CLARKE:
"I won't just sit there and watch your die!"
The words fell from my lips in a moment of anger, frustration and desperation. I was supposed to let her go, let her fight to the death. I was supposed to remain silent. How could I? I'd held my heart closed for so long now, denying my feelings for Lexa. She was in my head everyday, I couldn't stop the inevitable no matter how hard I tried.
Storming back to my room after my outburst, I tried to convince myself I wanted no part of this brutal Grounder law. I paced up and down, frustrated by my helplessness in this situation. Wiping away Ontari's black blood from my face, I looked at the blood soaked cloth and thought of never seeing Lexa alive again. What if the next time I layed my eyes upon her it would be her nightblood I held in my hands? Could I really live with that, with her not knowing I cared? We hold back how we feel, the words we yearn to say out loud because of fear and foolish pride.
These things that complicate our lives only serve to steal away our happiness. Why do we do this to ourselves? I once told Lexa that "Maybe life should be about more than just surviving," yet I was going against my very own words.
I breathed deeply to calm myself, to clear my mind. I heard Lexas voice once again telling me, "Then this is goodbye, for now," as she accepted her fate. I wasn't ready to loose her like this. No matter what we'd been through I knew deep down I loved her even if I was too scared to utter the words. The decision was made, I quickly left my room and rushed to see her. I couldn't stop the fight, I couldn't hold back fate but I could be there. I could show her I cared, that she wasn't just The Commander to me, she was something much more.
