LEXA:
"Not everyone, not you."
As soon as the words left my lips, I wondered if I'd said too much. Emotions were high that day. She'd confronted me about so many things I'd tried to shut away, killing Gustus, the loss of Costia and the deaths in TonDC. My mind was flooded with all of these thoughts, my guard was falling, I let slip that I cared.
The surprise in her eyes brought about a vulnerability in my heart. It wasn't fair to do this to her or myself. I'm not supposed to love, not supposed to feel. To be Commander is to be alone, that is my way. In one single moment I had betrayed myself, allowing my pain to resurface.
She walked out of my tent the moment I lifted my guard once again, leaving me standing alone with the aftermath of my confession. I walked over to my throne and sat for a while. With my head in my hands I held back a tear, trying to catch my breath and composure. Sitting there in my armour and warpaint prepared for battle, the visage of a strong warrior, but in my heart I felt so scared.
What does she think of me? That I'm heartless, have no capacity for love? I suspect she still sees me as a savage, even after all of this. But this heart of mine beats so loud at times it frightens me. Yes, I fear what it means to love again, but my control wavers. My focus lost on one thought, this girl from the sky.
A mantra played out in my mind, 'dont fall in love, Lexa. Dont loose your heart.' I breathed deeply and stood to my feet, I am The Commander and I am alone. But does it always have to be this way?
CLARKE:
Tensions between Lexa and I had started to hit a crescendo. After I learned that she'd put a kill order on Octavia a confrontation was inevitable. I faced Lexa with the ghosts of her past, Gustus, Costia, the deaths at TonDC. My words were harsh, maybe I had no right to go so far, but her refusal to accept emotion angered me. She wanted me to believe that love is weakness, I can't believe that, I can't let go of something I believe makes us stronger.
I was surprised I walked out of there alive after the words I spoke. What happened between us after I had vented my anger, surprised me. This cold hearted Commander looked at me with apprehension, her eyes seemed full of sorrow. A world of pain flashed across her gaze as she uttered the words, "not everyone, not you." Her voice quivered sightly as she fought to regain her composure. I didnt know what to say at first, completely taken aback by Lexas openness. Her guard had fallen, she'd looked me in the eyes and admitted she cared. A moment of pure honesty I wasn't prepared for.
I left her tent that day not knowing what to think or what to do. The cold air outside seemed to take my breath away. I took a walk around the encampment for a while to clear my head. My anger at Lexa for being so ruthless with the lives of the people around me was still prevalent. I needed her to understand life can be more than just killing and death, that love has its place here even in the harshest of times.
I asked myself how I felt about Lexa and the truth is I'd be liar if I said I didnt think about her at times. Would this closed hearted leader of the twelve clans be different if she wasn't so burdened by such responsibility? If there was no war and peace reigned, could we find common ground with each other? Our alliance is a stormy one, but maybe one day the storm will settle and I'll finally get to see the girl behind the warpaint.
