"See, Ashton? This is why we don't want you to hurt yourself. We can't bear to see it."
Regardless of Luke's attempt to show reason, I still hurt myself that morning. Three cuts on my thighs. Luke thinks I don't do it anymore. And that's how it's really going to stay.
"Lukeeeey," I called from my bunk and he walked over.
"What?"
"Cuddle?" I tried to look at him as innocent as possible. He rolled his eyes and crawled into my bunk. I smiled as he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer. "Thanks, Lukey."
"Ashton, can I ask you a question?" I looked up at him.
"Sure."
"Why did you first start cutting in the first place?"
I stayed silent. I looked up at him through my lashes.
"It was complicated. Everything. My life was complicated, it just...wasn't working out for me."
"Oh." Luke didn't say anything after that. He looked really deep in thought.
"Why did you want to know?"
"I was curious. What about that girl you like? Have you talked to her?"
Okay, first sign that your band mate doesn't like you. Wait, I don't even like Luke. But then...Whatever, I'm just confusing myself.
"Yeah."
"Are you gonna ask her out?"
"I don't know. Maybe."
Something flashed in Luke's eyes, but I didn't recognize it.
"I bet you two would be really cute together. Do you have a picture of her?" Well, shit.
"I have to go get my phone for that, and I don't want to."
"Okay. Is she like...really really pretty?"
"Yeah."
"Like....gorgeous, beautiful, perfect?" Alright, Luke, you can stop now. You're making me think of you. And I'd rather not have feelings for you.
"You can stop now."
"Why?"
"Because. You're gonna make me blush, shut up."
"I gotta make sure this girl is going to treat my Ashy right."
His Ashy?
"Well, she's not a slut."
"Is she nice?"
"Given the situation, it depends."
"When can I meet her?"
"I don't know, dude."
"Is she back home?"
"Lucas," I warned.
"Right, sorry." I sighed and closed my eyes.
"Hey remember that time when we were singing Jasey Rae at Hyde Park or whatever and you got attacked by a bird?" Luke laughed. I groaned.
"Ugh don't remind me."
"You blushed so hard."
"It was so embarrassing! I stopped playing!"
"The fans loved your reaction!"
"The fans loved you ultimately."
"What do you mean?"
"They weren't saying 'awe' unless you were singing."
"They were cheering when Calum was signing."
"No they weren't. You were the star."
"Well, I'm sorry." His voice had a sarcastic edge to it. "What do you want me to do about it?"
"There's nothing you can do now."
"Seriously, Ashton? Bring up the topic, and then don't tell me how to fix it?"
"I was just saying!"
"You were being rude about it!"
"No I wasn't! How was I being rude about it!"
"You were basically saying, 'There's not enough attention on me!' and that's being an attention whore." I shoved him off of the bunk and he landed on the ground. "What the fuck was that for!?"
"Come back when you're not being a complete dick!"
"Seriously?! Yes, I'm totally being the dick in this conversation!"
"I'm not an attention whore!"
"Are you sure?" he asked sarcastically. Then I realized what he was implying.
"I don't cut myself for attention, you dickhead! Leave me alone."
"Then why do you cut yourself? There's no reason anymore that you should do it, so maybe you are being an attention whore."
"Maybe you're being a horrible best friend."
"Yes, I'm the horrible friend," he said sarcastically before leaving. I stared at the wall and didn't realize that my cheeks were wet until I leaned up and touched them.
"I'M NOT A FUCKING ATTENTION WHORE!" I yelled before falling into a complete sob fest. I cried into my pillow as I clutched it for dear life.
"Ash?" I heard Calum's voice and I choked back a sob.
"Leave me alone."
"What was that all about?"
"Leave me alone."
"Ash, I'm your best friend, talk to me."
"L-Luke said that I was cutting myself for a-attention," I cried as I felt the bunk dip. Calum rubbed my back.
"I'm sure he didn't mean it." I turned to look at him.
"It sounded like he meant it."
"What was the argument about?"
"He brought up that time when we were at Hyde Park and the bird attacked me. And then I said that everyone was only cheering for him. Because they were. And he said that I was being an attention whore, who was complaining that I didn't get enough attention."
"I'm sorry, Ash," Calum's voice was soft as I sniffled quietly.
"Calum?"
"Yeah?"
"What if I told you that I liked someone I shouldn't?"
"I wouldn't judge you for it. Who is she?" I sighed deeply and looked down, preparing myself to say it. Should I admit it? If I admit it, it'll only get worse. I don't like Luke. I don't like Luke. I like Luke. Fuck.
"I-it's..." I closed my eyes and weighed it out again. If I admit it, it'll make the situation worse. If I don't tell, the pent up feelings will explode later on. "It's not a girl."
I felt Calum's eyes on me as my cheeks heated up.
"It's a boy. Don't hate me."
"How could I hate you, Ash? You're my best friend." He hugged me in the small bunk space. "And most girls like having a gay best friend, so I guess it'll be cool."
"No, I'm not gay, I just like...I'm not gay. I'm just gay for one person, you get what I'm saying?"
"Sort of..."
"Like...I'm not gay. I'm just gay for one person and that's it. I don't like boys, I just like one boy."
"I see what you're getting at. Who is it? Is it Niall? Man, I mean, I love him, but it's like he wants to be in the band. Ooh, is it Harry? I thought he liked Louis. Or is it reversed? Do you like Michael? Is Mashton real?"
"It's not Niall, it's not Harry and it's n0t Michael."
"Is he in One Direction or 5SOS?"
"5SOS."
"Is it...m-me?" I wanted to scare him, so I stayed quiet. "Ashton...no...no...this isn't happening"
"Kidding! I'm kidding, Cal. It's not you."
"That means....that means...."
"Yup."
"No way, Ash. Ugh I knew it!"
"What?"
"Wait. We're talking about the same person, right?"
"Maybe. Tall, blonde haired, blue eyed?"
"Yeah."
"I can't believe it. Well, I can, but...oh my God."
"What?" I asked, scared he would hate me for it.
"Ashton's in love with Lukkeeeey!"
