"Ash, why wouldn't you talk to me first?"
"I didn't want to worry you."
"You've already worried me." He bandaged my cuts and stared at me. "Don't do it again."
"Okay."
"Repeat after me, 'I will not hurt myself again'."
On accident, I said, "Luke will not hurt himself..." I stared at Luke.
"You can't even promise m-me?" Luke's voice cracked and I stared at my wrists, horrified.
"Luke, I'm s-sorry." I felt a sob build up in my throat and I pressed my face into Luke's neck, tears building in my eyes. I clutched his shirt as if it were my lifeline as tears dripped down my cheeks and onto Luke's shirt.
Luke rubbed my back and whispered in my ear.
"It's going to be okay, Ash. I'm here for you to talk to. You can talk to any of us. Me, Calum, Michael. We're here for you, okay? We'll never leave you, or betray you. You can talk to us, just please don't hurt yourself again. We'll never, ever leave you, no matter what you tell us. We're your best friends. I promise that I'll help you. I promise, and a promise means forever, okay? Just stop hurting yourself."
I sighed as my tears eventually stopped.
"Thank you, Luke."
"Don't hurt yourself, you understand?" Luke looked at me sternly and I stared at him, my mouth opening and closing. "Promise me, Ashton!"
"Promise him what?" I looked and saw Michael walk in. He stared at the bandages on my wrist, then back up at me. "Ash...CALUM!" Michael roared and Calum walked in five minutes later. Calum was definitely more sensitive than Luke or Michael when it came to the topic of self harming. He's always been a sensitive guy.
Calum stared at my wrists. He didn't move. I don't think he even blinked or breathed. Then, he gave that little gasp that people do when they're trying not to cry.
"Ashton..." he whispered, a horrifying edge to his voice as he slowly made eye contact with me. I looked away. "Stop doing this to yourself. It hurts us as well, okay?" His voice was surprisingly soft as he stared at me before speed walking out of the room.
"It really does hurt us too, Ash. Please just stop," Michael begged before running after Calum.
"See, Ash? When you hurt yourself, it hurts us. It hurts Calum, it hurts Michael, it hurts me." Luke's voice cracked again. I don't want Luke to be hurt... "Please stop."
"I'll try Luke, I promise. This time, it's for real."
"A promise means forever, so you better keep it, okay?" Luke pulled me into a hug. "A promise means forever."
I realized the next day that I didn't promise I'd stop, I promised I'd try to stop. There's a difference.
Luke was edgy. He would always glance at me, then my wrists, then look away. Last night, he sat next to me on the hotel bed and looked at my wrists. He ran his fingers against the scars and new cuts.
"Remember a year and a half ago, when I watched you cut for the last time, and then you said 'I'm done'?" he asked, but I didn't answer. "What happened to that? I thought you were done. You...you said you were done." I heard the pain in his voice. "Ashton, you said you were done."
"I know," I whispered.
"Why'd you do it again?"
"I don't know."
