A/N: This is probably one of my favorite chapters...you'll see why later... :)
Lunch was stressful. My arms itched like crazy, and I caught myself trying to pick at the scabs, just so it would bleed. Then an idea struck. When I started cutting, I used a razor. I had a razor. Just the thought of the cool blade on my skin, sent a wave of excitement through me. Good thing we were in the tour bus, and I had a free escape to the bathroom.
"I'm going to the restroom," I told everyone and they nodded. I went to the bathroom and made sure to lock the door, before grabbing my razor from the unbroken drawer. Perfect. I pressed the metal to my wrist. Razors were never a good cutting device, they didn't go as deep. But blades worked nicely. Too bad that's out of the question.
I started thinking. Luke and the boys would be able to see the cuts on my wrist. Why not...?
I took my pants off and pressed the metal to my thigh. That's better. I drug it across and watched droplets of blood fill the space. It was an amazing sensation. It made me feel free. Another cut. Another cut.
I decided to stop.
I washed the razor off and quickly wiped up the blood, putting a bandage on it, before pulling my pants up.
There's the solution.
I walked out and back to the living room. I sat down, and no one noticed what I had done. That was good. Luke gave me a funny look.
"You were in there a long time, Ash." I raised an eyebrow and Luke just looked away. I laughed. Too bad it was fake.
"Why are you so worried? It's not like I can hurt myself anymore."
"What?" Calum looked over at us.
"Luke threw away my blade."
Calum and Michael both released a sigh and smiled at me.
"That's good."
"Yeah. I didn't appreciate it at first, but I do now. Thank you Luke." He had the biggest smile.
Too bad it was all fake.
The concert that night was energetic. Luke, Calum and Michael were jumping around and it was actually really energetic. I was laughing the whole time.
The boys could forget about me hurting myself, and it would be just fine by me. At least I could continue doing it.
After the concert, we went out to a restaurant that was apparently really expensive and nice. We were all talking and laughing, and it was fun.
"Hey, we should go to a club tonight!" Harry suggested and I shook my head.
"Ew, no."
"Fine. We can all go and you don't have to."
This was perfect.
"That's fine, actually." Now that Luke didn't know I was cutting with a razor, the boy didn't have a care in the world.
After dinner, the boys got situated and left, and I was alone. Finally. I walked into the kitchen and pulled out the stash of alcohol we had in a cabinet. Why would you miss a club if you're just going to drink at home?
Because here, I can get completely wasted and then bring that razor to my skin. I poured a glass of beer and mixed some ginger ale in it, just to be a bit on the safe side. I still want to be a little sober, so I won't accidentally....go too far. You know? I took a drink and Luke walked in. I almost spit my drink out as I quickly shoved the beer can down into the trash can.
