Rant Time 3

2013

I've finally realized something that I never thought I would. I actually never once thought that I would feel this way about the past. It's going to sound twisted, but I think I've made peace with it, and I'm actually happy that it happened. Oddly enough, it feels good, in a morbid way.
2013
I used to see that year as a time of. . .darkness? Depression? Sadistic thoughts that I've never even told anyone about, ever? I do call it my dark days, after all. Whatever, it was all bad. I could've died. I could've killed myself. I could've been history now. It was definitely the worst time of my life, but could it have also been the best?
For over three entire years, I would look back at late 2013 and shudder. At one point, even thinking about it gave me anxiety attacks. Not anymore. I remember it and realize how fucking lucky I am to survive. I actually feel comfortable with it. I no longer see it as awful. I see it as a silver lining that was so close to not happening.
I can close my eyes, transport myself into the past, and feel comforted by it. Sure, I see a lot of literal blood and tears, but that's okay. For some reason, it feels nice. Nice knowing that I'm not there anymore, nice knowing that it made me what I am today.
Yes, I remember cutting myself, I remember going to school everyday and wanting to die, I remember wanting to kill myself off like a useless character in a book. I remember every traumatic event that has ever happened in my life. But the more I think about it, the more I appreciate it.
Okay, I know, it's weird. Why would I enjoy and thank the time when I could have killed myself? How could I ever think that's okay when I was saved right at the last moment? I just do. I see it as the only good thing that came out of it: life. If it weren't for all that shit, I wouldn't be who I am today.
I'm far from normal, but that's okay. I don't want to be normal. I don't want to blend in or die knowing that I never had a story. I don't want to be an average Jane or a person who never went through anything horrible. I can think my unlucky stars that the earth casted a hard life on me.
So now, when I think back to October-November 2013, I don't shiver in fear or try to block it out. Instead I smile and silently thank it for bringing me here. In a way, I actually want to go back to that time and live it over again. Just that time. Those two months. It makes me laugh. I have no idea why.
I still have the last school backpack I ever used in my closet. It's kind of torn up and stained, but it's still full of the last school assignments and projects I had. Some of them are forever unfinished. Sometimes I go through it and have a laugh. It makes me feel good, being able to literally touch my past.

I've looked through it several times but I make sure to put everything in the order it was found in. I don't want to ruin the history. That folded paper in the front pocket is actually a piece of literature I wrote about death.
Inside I found several notes about suicide, writings praising death, and a shit ton of unfinished assignments and graded papers with Cs all over them. There are papers covered in incoherent doodles and words that I don't even remember writing. It's like looking into a suicidal's mind. Now I understand why I had bad grades then. I was so fucking depressed that I forgot to finish my homework. I can't even remember most of the stuff in the backpack.
I refuse to use anything in that backpack. I have so many good pencils and sharpeners in there but I don't want to use them because they belong then, not now. The papers actually smell like school, and it feels good. I never once thought about destroying any of it. I'm holding onto it as a keepsake and a reminder of how strong I am.
I would be willing to go back in time, if I could, and live those months over again. I'd come back to the present with scars and some trauma, but I'd have a story to tell. I'd be a little more wiser.
Now, if someone said I had to go back in time and live my entire life over again, I'd say "fuck no." If I was forced to, I'd probably commit suicide. My entire life was not comfortable enough to go back and do it again. I'd rather die. But yes, I'd visit the hardest point in my life and relive it.
It must be the experience. I know this is weird and sick, in a way. I really don't have a clear idea of why I think this way. No doubt it was hard and grueling for me, but I'm grateful for it, because it made me who I am today.
I've only thought this way for a week or so. But I'm extremely comfortable with it. I thank 2013 for fucking me up. I thank it for giving me a story to tell. I thank it for making me abnormal. I thank it for making me want to go back to live the experience that changed me for the better.
Maybe everything that I've been through, including seeing people die, has desensitized me. Someone I know, a very old lady, just passed away on Earth Day. I told my mom that I can't go to the funeral because I've seen too many dead people in my life and I'm not mentally ready for that. She is going but understands me.
Today, I said, "I'm completely desensitized to death."
She said, "Because you've been around it too much."
She's right. Someone died holding my hand, I saw my grandparents die when I was little, I've seen dead bodies in caskets, Ive seen a murder scene, I've touched my grandparents' ashes. But surprisingly, I'm comfortable with it. I don't always fear it. It's natural.
Time has desensitized me but has brought more comfort to me. This is probably my way of coping with everything, or I've just come to terms with it and made peace with what happened. I've made peace with my past self and have thanked her.
It's not what happened that I love, it's the experience of living and surviving it.
I've accepted life for what it is. I'm comfortable with accepting what happened. It's over and done with. But I wish I could relieve even a day of it over again, just to remember why I appreciate it.
I may not be all there, I may not be normal, I may not love myself all the way, but I do appreciate what time and trauma has done for me. And I don't care how weird that sounds anymore.
~
Sierra 🌙