Rant Time 3

My Lovely Girlfriend|Story Time

In my last chapter, I had mentioned "another story for another time" when I said something about being in love with a girl and she felt the same way. This is another time, and this is the full, brutally honest story.

I know if I told my story somewhere else, to people in person, they would give me the most battiest look, like I've grown another head or there's a ghost standing behind me. Then they would tell me how "risky" and "ridiculous" this all this. I know this isn't a type of story you hear often, but it's something I've wanted to share because I've been so excited about it. It's been awhile and I still grin.

The story starts in late March/early April. Through my Instagram account (actually introduced to by someone else), I met a girl who enjoyed the same, rare ship I do (Tristina, anyone?), so I was really excited to be able to share that pairing with her because I'd never met anyone who was a fan of it like she was. We hit it off immediately.

Aside from that, we talked about our own lives and interests. We got to know each other really well within a few weeks. One of the first things we said to each other--a wild shot in the dark--was that we are both gay. We talked more, now that we have a big part of our lives we have in common.

Now, I'm wary of people on the internet. So if I get really excited to talk to someone on the internet, there has to be some sort of connection. In fact, I actually FaceTime one of the girls I met on WattPad (you know who you are). So with this girl over Instagram, there was something about her I just couldn't let go of.

She showed me a picture of herself and I almost dropped dead. Absolutely perfect. Bright green/hazel eyes, naturally curly brown hair (now dyed), a cute smile. I showed her some of my pictures and she thought I was really pretty. It warmed my insecure, ice cold heart. By this time, it was late April. We were even closer than before.

May comes around. At this point, we're very close and share just about everything. I stay up late into the night to talk to her, and thanks to her living in France (and even wilder shot in the dark), seven hours ahead, she's awake, too.  When I'm upset, she's there to comfort me. When I'm mad, she's there to calm me down and help me cool off.

It's like a magnet. I was getting pulled closer and closer, and I was afraid that'd we get so stuck together that it would hurt like hell to pull us apart. I was afraid of losing her. I was drawn in. And before I knew it, there was a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach and my chest. I don't know how to describe it. It was just strange, but good.

May 8th. Probably one of the best days of my life I'll ever have. I spent the afternoon upset and getting yelled at by my mom. I expressed to her my anger, and of course, she calmed me down, and that feeling came back again. When everything died down and all was well, I got a message from her I was blown away by.

The message was kind of long, but there were only three words that stood out:

"I love you."

It wasn't said jokingly or in a way you'd tell your best friend. She was in love with me. My mouth almost fell on the floor. I didn't know how to react exactly. I just sat there, teary-eyed and. . .giddy? Happy? Excited? Confused? There were so many things I was feeling at that point. No one had ever told me they loved me as more than a friend.

She expressed her feelings more, and those feelings sounded familiar. They were my feelings. I didn't realize, in all that pandemonium, that I'd fallen in love, too. I was in love with this girl. There was no denying it. I was in love with everything about her. Her voice (she speaks English, but with a heavy accent that I love), the way she dresses, her personality, her weird sexual jokes about anything and everything. . .It just fell into place. That was what I was feeling.

Love.

She asked if we are a couple, and I said we could be considered one, despite meeting over social media and living thousands of miles away. After all, there are such things as long-distance relationships and those internet dating sites where random strangers meet because they're lonely as hell. And don't forget Tinder and all that.

I now have a beautiful girlfriend whom I love very much.

So far I've only told three people. They're all very supportive of both me and my girlfriend. I was afraid to, thinking they would think I'm dumb for falling in love with someone I've never physically met before, or that it can't be "real love" because it's over the Internet and she lives far. If anyone ever said that, I'd just tell them that it's possible to catch feelings for someone and love them, no matter how we met or where we live.

This is all still feels very new to me, although it's been almost four months. It gets better everyday. Sometimes I'll wake up to a message from her saying "I love you. I just wanted to say that." It really makes my day. I couldn't be any more grateful for her. We both have similar issues, and we work through them together.

My mom has seen pictures of her and knows about her, just not that we're together. She would probably kill me, but I did reveal to my mom a few weeks ago that I was in love with a girl but I couldn't tell her who. She caught a glimpse of my phone's screensaver, which so happens to be my girlfriend, and she asked, "So is that the one you're attracted to?"

In that moment, I panicked. I told her no, but that was a huge lie. I think she knows that it's true, and if she does, she's calm about it. Still, I can't take the risk of losing my girlfriend. She's one of the best things that's ever happened to me. One of these days, I'll open up. Just not now. It's pretty obvious; I get a dumb dazed look on my face when I talk about her and my mom can see how excited I get.

No matter what anyone thinks, I still love my girlfriend. They can say whatever the fuck they want, but I love her and that's no lie. I don't care if people think this is strange. I'll always love her. I love her when she's mad, when she's happy, when she's jealous, when she's excited, when she's at her worst, and when she's at her best. That's what love is. You love no matter what.

She's changing me for the better. I'm slowly becoming a better person with a lot more love and patience. Sometimes she doesn't believe me when I tell her she's beautiful (okay, every time), sometimes she gets angry, sometimes she gets nervous about different things, and that's okay. I'm here for her. I've seen her at her worst, and I'm still here. I love every little thing about her.

We both tell each other how much we love one another. Even if she gets annoyed when I tell her she's beautiful, I don't care. She is and I'll keep telling her that. Because I love her.

I'm happy to finally get this out. This is all so surreal. It feels like a dream, but it's not. To everyone out there, if you ever start falling in love with an amazing person, take the chance. Don't miss out on something amazing. If neither my girlfriend or I said anything to each other, we'd be just friends with hidden feelings, and that hurts. Dreams can become reality.

I love my girlfriend with everything in me, and without her, I'd be lost. She's helped guide me through all this shit. I'm grateful for her, and at the end of the day, when she tells me she loves me, everything feels right. She tells me that loving hurts, and it's true, because sometimes it hurts like hell when fear of losing her becomes too much to bear or when she's hurt and there's nothing I can do.

She's right. Loving does hurt, but I don't care. My girlfriend is a main priority. Her happiness is a main priority. She is pretty much my world.

It's hard to believe that I have a girlfriend. I still wonder how in the hell someone could ever fall in love with me, but I trust fate. I think she and I will be alright. We may not be together physically (and it hurts to know that) but just knowing she's alive and well is enough for me. My love for her and our relationship will keep on growing. I'm excited yet scared to see where this will take me, but I'm ready.

That's pretty much it, after all that sappy shit. I cringe at myself, but I can't help it. This is a huge step for me. Actually falling right in the pit of love and having a girlfriend is amazing. Hopefully we can make this last, because I think we both deserve the happiness we bring to each other.

I think Elia and I will be just fine, as long as we love each other. And holy fuck, I do.
~
Sierra 🌙