Me & Mine

36. The Long Wait

"What happened?" Max takes my face in his hands and I close my eyes for a second. Everything had happened. Everything that was Amory and me, the whole world, our world, our history, all drained into a single sentence. Words and condemnation. Amory had hurt me – and now I had hurt him. Not all bruises can be seen by the naked eye.

"I, uhm," my voice sounds weak, "I told Amory what I told you after the pool party. That I was done living in his world and needed to start creating my own."

"He was really upset," Max says softly, "he stormed out of the house. Kane went after him but he just left."

"I might have told him all of that in a particularly nasty manner."

"It's okay," Max pulls me closer to him and I let out a sigh.

"No," I whisper, "it isn't."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Hold me," I say softly, my voice cracking on every syllable. And he does – he holds me, his arms shielding me from the world, his kisses pulling me into his. He holds me and when I feel like I can stand on my own two feet again he lets out our friends and pours me another glass of wine. We sit on his bed and watch the sun go down from his window. I tell him everything, that I told Amory that he was the reason for my pain, that I told him that I can't go on living this half-life he created for us and that his fears are smothering me. Max just listens as I recount every word I said. I take a deep breath and Max pulls me ever closer to him.

"Tough and painful as it may be, love," he says, studying my eyes and drawing me in, "you two needed to have this conversation sooner or later."

I smile lightly and stare into those beautiful eyes. "I know," I whisper, "I'm just scared." I tore down my walls for this boy, laid down my heart in front of him, told him my sins and my fears, let him see the good and the bad; and in that glistening of his eyes I can see that he understands the gravity of such trust. He kisses me, first with his eyes, then with the soft stroking of his fingers on my face, and finally with his lips, soft and tender and incredibly real.

He releases me and I slowly fall back to earth. "Go," he whispers, "go find your brother and talk to him." I clench my jaws together and force myself to smile. I nod. "Thank you."

***

The porch light is on. Amory is sitting on his little bench and I can't bring myself to move. I watch Max' car speed off into the night and feel my heart weigh like stone in my chest. There are no stars in the sky, the wind is cold and my mind unclear. It takes everything I have to take that first step, but I do it. And the next one is easier and before I know it, I'm standing in front of that bench. I stare at my brother and he stares back at me. He's holding the thin copy of Waiting for Godot and I nod silently. I sit down and pull my legs up, wrapping one of the blankets around me. Amory scratches his throat and opens the book.

"A county road. A tree. Evening," Amory reads the first lines and I close my eyes, "Estragon, sitting on a low mound, is trying to take off his boot. He pulls at it with both hands, panting. He gives up, exhausted, rests, tries again. As before."

He reads for a while, up until a familiar passage, one that I know by heart. I know many literary quotes by heart. I don't have the talent to be a poet or a writer, but I still live and breathe their words. I sigh and whisper the words along with Amory. "There's man all over for you, blaming on his boots the faults of his feet."

Amory looks at me and slowly closes the book. My eyes meet his and I sigh. "I won't apologize, Am," I say softly, "I can't."

He nods slowly. "Nor will I."