Me & Mine

48. Et Tu, Brute?

My legs droop down the edge of the hill. My gaze aimlessly travels over the surface of the lake, here and there focusing on the reflections of trees and clouds, and blinking away the cold air of autumn. Tears leave a frozen trail as they abandon my eyes.

I'm only half aware that I'm crying. The other half of me lives inside my head, telling me to run back to Max and forcing me to stay put. Amory is just scared, I tell myself, it's normal. I hate normal. Everything moves too fast to understand and yet too slow to be real. My heart and brain and stomach and lungs knot together and nothing works or works too well and I don't understand. I curse myself. I curse myself because with all the intellect and the books and the knowledge I don't understand why. Why? Why? WHY?!

The ONE time I want my brain to work for me, instead of against me, it can't. Weak. Sad. Pathetic.

"Hi stranger."

My body tenses and I'm thrown back to reality. I blink. Once. Twice. Kane sits down next to me. He stares at me, at the tears staining my cheeks, at the white knuckles of my clenched fists, but I keep my gaze on the water.

"They're worried about you," he says softly, "they all are."

I don't speak.

"Is it true what Amory said? That you were acting out because of a text he sent you?"

I clench my jaws together and scowl.

"Didn't think so," he says, taking my silence for denial, "so why don't you tell me what really happened?"

I sigh and stare ahead. Doesn't he understand that the reason why I ran away from my friends was that I want to be alone right now?

"That's okay," he says, following my line of sight to the lake, "I guess I can't expect you to tell me what happened to you when I never told you what happened to me."

He takes a deep breath and stares ahead.

"You never asked, when you were at my house, where my family was. Perhaps because you don't want people to ask you that same question," he sighs and I listen attentively, "but that doesn't matter now. The truth is, my father died two years ago. My mother was heartbroken. She lost the love of her life and was suddenly left to take care of two teenagers. My sister took it bad too, she started acting out, starting doing all the wrong things to try and dull the pain."

I turn to face him. His eyes are still focused on the lake, but I can see he's struggling. I hear it in his voice. His once so monotone stoic voice now is shaking uncontrollably.

"But the pain never goes away, does it? My mother couldn't handle it, so she took solace in her alcohol. She didn't even realize my sister was going down the same dark path. They shut each other out, my mom and my sister. And they shut me out too. I tried to get them to stop. I tried to get my mother to be a mom again, to get my sister to be a big sister again...

"It didn't work. So I stepped up. I cut ties with everyone, spend all my time looking out for my family, closed myself off for all feelings because if I could just stay strong long enough, I could give them the time to heal.

"It's been two years, Fay. I had my mother admitted to a rehab facility, but my sister... My Angie... I lost her. She's with those thugs now. That's why I keep getting into fights with them, because I want my sister back and they won't let me see her. I just want to know, Fay... I just need to know that she is okay."

He finally stares back at me, with those piercing silver eyes, and my heart shatters. He pulls his gaze away again, but I can't stop looking at him. Kane... The stranger in front of me has been fighting a war for two years, just trying to keep his family safe, to keep everything from falling apart. And he's been losing. How the hell is he still standing? How is he here right now?