The Story of the Saints

Let's Get the Party Started

It was about 10 minutes after the boss, Viola, and Matt had been transported into Pierce's nightmare simulation. I wonder how that's going. I signaled to Kinzie that I was ready. She nodded slightly, so I wasn't really sure if she was willing to go through with her part of the deal. But I don't think Kinzie was really that type of person, and as it turns out, she isn't! She let me through, but next time I say something like that to her, she probably won't. Oops!

This was the first time I had gone through anywhere in the PST (Pink Swirly Thing, and yes I realize it could mean many other things), so i was kind of nervous. What would it feel like? Would it hurt? Would I see anything abnormal? Before I could think about getting any sort of answer to any of these questions, I felt a tingling sensation start around my feet. The vibrations got stronger and stronger until my whole body was throbbing. I can tell you, it wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world, but it wasn't the worst thing to ever happen to anybody either. 

Anyways, there I was in Pierce's nightmare simulation. "What the f-" I started, interrupted by a giant purple fist smashing through the ceiling. You know, just a regular day in the land of PierceMindia. I was still not aware of my surroundings. I peeked through the giant hole the fists o' thunder had made and saw a pair of gigantic, angry, red, glowing eyes. I jumped back, just every so slightly startled.  I decided that now would be a good time to run, and scanned the area. Everywhere you turned, Saints Flow ran wild with RPG's, baseball bats, pistols-- anything you can think of. Well not anything, but you know. 

So as it turns out, Kinzie isn't completely useless. She gave me an RPG to just blow stuff up. I guess I could learn to like Kinzie. Sometimes. I suppose she wasn't always the worst. Anyways, we had more important things to worry about-- we were kind of getting attacked by a giant can of Saints Flow named Paul in Pierce's worst nightmare. 

I picked up the rocket launcher. It was pretty heavy; much heavier than you'd expect it to be.  I pulled out my pistol. I should probably save the big guns for "Paul," or whatever his name was. Waves and waves of Saints Flow poured over the edges of the old penthouse balcony, and I'm not even sure how they got there, but hey-- PierceMindia. 

I caught sight of the boss, Pierce (oh no), Viola, and Matt. "Boss!" I shouted over to them. Oh god, the look on Viola's face. So many mixed emotions. It was hilariously scary! Thankfully, she was forced to work with me. Plus, the boss wouldn't be too happy if she didn't. We proceed to shoot large amounts of cans with large amounts of bullets. Eventually, they stopped coming and it was time to face Paul. Okay, seriously, why? Pierce what the f***? Paul, seriously? I'm sorry, but that is the most stupid thing I've ever heard. First of all, your worst nightmare is about a giant freaking can of Saints Flow, second, you name it Paul. PAUL, Pierce, Paul. You named a giant can of Saints Flow Paul. Okay, I'm done ranting. 

On to more important things.... We shot at.... it..... for a countless amount of time. It just wouldn't go down! "Kinzie, we need more!" the boss squawked from across the penthouse balcony. "Hold on! I'm sending something in!" But a few seconds later, in came a helicopter. It took us over to some building with a giant statue on it, but I can't remember the name. It dropped us off at the entrance, and we all sprinted to the top. Sadly, there were no elevators and the boss, Viola, and I had to run in heels. At least we had plenty of practice in that. 

I swear, the strangest things happen in this gang.. I'm not even really sure if I should call it a gang anymore... Somehow, the boss started controlling the statue. She didn't even do anything! She literally just sat there and it started moving. It ripped its feet out of the roof and lumbered down the road of debris to Paul. It hit Paul with what looked like a giant pot with such tremendous force that the whole Earth started to shake. Uh oh. 

False alarm everyone, it's fine. We defeated Paul with pretty much no problem after that, thank the gods. I was pretty sure I was gonna die by "death by giant can of Saints Flow named 'Paul'." What a death that would have been. i wonder what they would have wrote on my tombstone, if I even had one, like Johnny didn't. I miss him.