To Let Go

One

It's been 26 hours.

26 hours since I came to. I didn't wake up. No, waking up is the wrong word. I came to. Waking up is from a dream. And I didn't dream. Just a twisted version of reality. When your in a coma, you hear and feel reality, just it gets twisted into a dream.

Ever since I came to, I have had this odd feeling I cannot chase. It's indescribable. It's almost like fear mixed with guilt and shame. A nurse walks into my room to take my vitals again. I'm this time of 26 hours, they put an NG tube in, and I've seen exactly 6 people I know. Nurse Jackson, Brittney, Dash, Jordi, and Kara. All of them came with smiles (except for Kara) and just sugar coated stuff and yada yada.

If they think I'm stupid and discombobulated enough to not realize something deeper is going on, they must not realize I'm not. I know something that was very wrong and twisted happened. I just have a gut feeling.

Speaking of gut feeling, I feel so sick. There's nothing but fat and bloat and 20 pounds stuck onto my stomach. This tube is going to be the death of me. Some might think these voices will. But they are only trying to help. They're on my side. They know what's best for me, and I will obey them. I don't want to get punished.

This leads me to the question: am I doing this out of fear? No. I am doing this because I want to be pretty. I never was the norm. So now I just want to be drop dead gorgeous. And I plan on following this, even if it leads to the grave.

"Hey Emma. I hope you're happy, 'cause I practically struggled to drag your boyfriend here, and even then he wouldn't come. Guess you screwed up big time." Kara's snide voice rings through the air.

"Hello to you too, Kara." I say robotically.

"Well aren't you just miss little black ray of sunshine," She smirks, and plops onto my bed. "Spill."

"Excuse me?" I scoot away from her, but a light tug on my feeding tube becomes present. I stop struggling.

"What happened with you and Leo?"

Here come the questions...

"Did you guys like have a huge fight over something like commitment?" her eyes go wide and her smirk grows

"You wish." I say, and pick at a lose thread on my blanket.

"So what actually happened?"

"I.................I don't know..." I say after a long silence.

"Well when the drugs ware off, call me," she leaves."And save your lunch for me!" She calls back. I give a small wave, and then I'm alone again.

I reach over for my phone and retrieve it off the table. I yawn as I unlock it. Just talking made me tired. The last thing I opened it to is a picture. It's from an album. My thinspiration folder. I scroll upon thousands of pictures and each one reminds me why I love the art of starvation.

It's a beautiful picture of control.