To Let Go

Twenty Four

Present Day

"Emma?"

The tone of his voice bugs me. It's almost like a concerning laced with confusion. I continue to slice my chicken up furiously. Allow me to identify and defuse your misconceptions. Misconception: Recovery is easy, and fixes you forever. Reality: recovery is a hell, just like the illness. And just because it happens once, doesn't mean it never comes back. It does every now and then. Old habits will resurface.

"Emma." This time it's not a question.

"What Leo?" I slam my fork and knife down.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to upset you," he pauses. Here it comes... "but you've been acting strange lately."

"No I'm fine."

"You sure?"I nod.

Recovery doesn't mean it goes away for eternity. I mean, when you're in recovery, when you decide to live, you are always fighting that battle. For the rest of your life. You can't escape the past. It always comes back like the undead. It always lurks there, waiting. Watching.
Demons never die.

Ten Years Earlier
Emma's Feeding Tube Insertion

"Okay Sweetie, when I start to put it in, swallow. Keep swallowing until I tell you to stop. Here, drink this water too. It will help you." The nurse tells me, and hands me the styrofoam cup with a green straw in it. I take my gaze from the four to five feet long tube they are about to put inside me to pump fat into me, and look at the cup. My hands shake as I hold it. It will help you!!? Even water makes you fat! My demon screams.

They start to put it in my nose. I start swallowing.

I stare at the ceiling.

How did I get here?

I don't know anymore.

After eternity, they finally get it in. They throw me on a gurney and wheel me down to radiology. I guess they need to take some X-rays to see that it's in the right place or something along similar lines. It took them three tries before they actually got it in. I gaged and almost vomited. What a lovely sight, just the pale yellow liquid of your stomach. Just the acid. No water or food. Just bile. Just the pure acidic goodness.

How did I get here? How did we get here?

How did I go from a smart, happy girl,

To a fat, repulsive girl?

How did I go from alive

To on my deathbed?

Present Day

"I had fun tonight."

Leo says as I find the right key to unlock my door.

"Mhmm. Thanks for driving me, but I can walk."

"No no," he smiles "I never got to take you anywhere. Now I can."I turn the key and open the door.

"Whelp, this is me." I say, feeling neither upset nor happy about him leaving. I start to walk in and close the door, wanting to purge the food I just ate. I fell back into a cycle again. I fell back into old habits. I am relapsing.

"Wait!" He wedges his hand in the door and forces it back open. I turn around. "Are you sure you're okay?"

I flash a fake smile.

"Fine." I say, and shut the door. Tears come, and one falls. Then my eyes dry. And I feel numb.

Smile.

Cry.

Die a little.