To Let Go

Tweleve

I'm terrified.

Of how Kara and Jordi will remember how I acted. Of how Leo could never speak to me when I leave for the PHP, or for the ED ward, even if it's the same hospital. Of my parents. Of death.

It's October 8th now. I was admitted in late September. I've been in the Intensive care ward three weeks. On Monday they're moving me to the new ward. It's Friday now. So I have that to look forward to. I've been forcing myself to eat two meals a day now. But only because once they move me to the ward, I can revert back to my old ways.

Leo enters via wheelchair. I'm sitting in a chair in the corner of the room reading.

"Hey, look at you!" He smiles. I look up and give a small grin too.

"Well my Heart rate is up so they let me not be in the monitor as much now."

"That's great Emma!" He wheels over to where I sit, and comes across from me.

"I guess..." I continue to read.

"Emma, you okay?" Suddenly, I snap the book shut and Leo gives a quizzical look.

"Are you going to break up with me?"

"Excuse me???" He seems shocked by this. Take aback.

"Well I'm just thinking ahead."

"Emma, the fact you'll change hospitals doesn't mean I'm breaking up with you. I promise."

"Okay." I nod.

"So how's the book going?"

"It's good. Very metaphorical. It depicts the struggle between minorities and society. It almost like how minorities fight to remain a part of said society." I say, almost smiling for real.

"Whoa, I did not understand any of that but okay."

"Well, it's not that hard to understand."

"Why does everything have to be so intellectually with you?" He sighs "I don't understand!" He looks to the sky in mock frustration. I let a small laugh out. It's been almost years since a real laugh emulated from my vocal chords.

"So how's the trial going?"

"Well my body is responding a little negatively. But it's okay. These things take time."

"It doesn't happen over night." I agree.

"Good job Emma." Brittany says as she takes my tray out of the room. Leo walks back in and comes over to sit on my bed as I have the 1 hour rest period to make sure I don't throw up or exercise to lose weight. I gained a bit weight, but it's just the refeeding syndrome. I feel sick. I wish I could throw up.

They stopped using the tube for every meal, now it's for the ones I don't eat and for night feeds. But just because I gained weight doesn't mean I'm better. I'm the farthest thing from. But my mind is becoming a little less foggy. The voices have gone away for now. But they'll come back. Soon, but now I enjoy the small break.

"So um, how's the new drug trial going?"

"Well I'm not responding the greatest to it so they want to try pills and a few injections. And if that doesn't work, they'll send me in for another surgery."

"Oh......" is all I can say. "So um, are you....um.....are you..."

"Dying? Well, simply put, we're in the hospital because we're dying."