To Let Go

Six

It's  11:42 pm on a Thursday.

Leo is sitting next to me, holding me. Today was rough. As my first morning feed finished, lunch came, and I refused, so another feed. And then dinner came. And yet another feed.

I was confined to bed all day. And I was alone for the better part of the day. Leo had his drug trial. Which is fine. But I was left to my own devices. And it was horrible. The tube was too awkward and painful on my face. My fat fat body is too clumsy, so when I got up I nearly fell over from being so big and elephantine.

At about 8:50, Leo came from his trial all woozy and a bit fuzzy. He sat down with me, and we haven't really talked. The nurse came in a few minuets ago and started a five gallon night feed for me. The ice cold liquid slides down the tube in my throat. Forget the disease it's self. Feeding tubes are hell.

"Hey, I was thinking..."

"Oh that's dangerous." I laugh a little. But it's very forced.

"So, do you need anything tonight? I have the trial at 5 pm tomorrow. But it's only going to take an hour, not four like today." He says, and looks at the ground.. I want to make eye contact with him so badly. But then he'll see how ugly and voluptuous I am.

"Emma? You okay?" His voice pulls me out of the daze.

"Uh uh." I feel super light headed. I reach over and unscrew the cap of the bottle. I take a sip of water, and then another. A chill runs through me. The water doesn't help. It only adds to the bloating.

"Hey, I'm gonna go get some nuts from the vending machine." He says, and gets up. I nod, and take this opportunity to use the rest room. I grab a fresh hospital gown and wheel my feed into the bathroom. I shut the door behind me.

I strip, and let the gown fall the the floor. For the first time in a week, I look in the mirror. Emaciated. My eyes are ringed in pitch black, my collar bones and cheeks are dangerously thin. You can see my entire rib cage, and most of my organs. My hip bones looks like sharp daggers protruding from my skin. My legs and arms look like toothpicks. Not good enough... They say, as they scream orders at me.

I loose it. I go over to my sink, and find the paper towel dispenser. I begin to run my wrist over the sharp part until it bleeds. I feel exhausted. I put the gown back on gingerly, and come out. My hair is a bit messy laying on the floor. I turn my back to close the door, and when I turn around, I find Leo sitting on the bed eating his Cashews.

I come and take my place next to him. I moan, for I start getting horrible stomach cramps. It's a sharp, stabbing pain, deep within my stomach. I know it's just refeeding pains from Isabelle has said. But it doesn't make it hurt any less.

Leo stops chewing and takes his hand and rubs my back a little. I double over and feel like death. I feel like I will puke. Like I could have my stomach explode. I cast a glance over, and his expression tells me he feels bad. He keeps rubbing my back until the pain begins to subside and I can sit up normally.

I push my hair behind my ear, and that's when he notices the cuts on my wrist. I'm not a cutter, but.... I couldn't resist the feeling of blood oozing out in a satisfying way, knowing your place and punishment.

"Emma, what's on your wrist?"

"Nothing!" I quickly sit on it so he can't see.

"Was that... a cut? Emma, you can't do that to yourself..." he practically yells at me.

"It was nothing."

"Look, I'm sorry. I just... hate to see you like this." he says, and sighs. I start to feel sleepy, so I turn onto my side to lay down. The back of my gown peeks open a little and the cool air hits my skin.

"Emma?"

"Yes Leo?"

"I'm sorry. For what I did to upset you." He says grimly. I roll over to face him.

"You didn't do anything. It's me, not you."

"No, it's not me or you. It's Society. It's taken everything away from you." He looks angered in some way.

"And cancer from you." I say.

"I guess we both have thing we've lost. So what's to lose? I mean, we've already lost so much. Why not add another skeleton to the closet? This could be our secret."

"Our secret." I agree.