To Let Go

Twenty Five

Present Day

I grab hold of her wrist
and my hand closed from tip to tip
I said you've taken diet too far, you've got to let it slip
But she's not eating again
She's not, eating again
She's not, eating again

The words blurt in my ears, creating a psychedelic effect of surreal combined with white noise. These words, this song, speaks so much truth.

It makes someone wonder what exactly people were thinking when they wrote this song. There are so many songs now that paints a crystal clear picture of different parts of not only my life, but the other 30+ million people on the planet struggling with an Eating Disorder.

She wasn't born anorexic
But nowadays she suffers
Starring at the half naked stars on magazine covers
Feelin' pressured by the public
She only weighs 90 pounds but still sucks in her stomach

Then there was the day that I met Ana. The day where I was no longer alive, rather, dead inside. The day I became a statistic. The day I became one of those people who dies for perfection. The one who almost lost her life multiple times. But this time around, I don't even feel it.

It's time to flirt with death one last time.

"Okay, Layne, your stats look good. Your still malnourished, but if you keep eating, you'll be able to go home in a few days." I flip closed my clipboard, and turn to Leo. "Do you have any questions?"

"I do." Layne says quietly.

"Okay."

"So, what happens when I go home?"

"Well, you'll have strict rules that you'll have to follow, also nutritional requirements. You'll also have to listen to everything your parents and proxy say. At least until the center you'll be impatient at can take you.." I finish with a little trailing off. My brain isn't at it's fullest function l. Times have changed dramatically. I never had to follow any of these rules. But then again, I got sent to a center in Palm Springs after the whole cardiac arrest episodes when I was deemed 'stable' to leave Ocean Park.

Layne flops back down, clearly annoyed. I see a glimmer of tears in her eyes. I come over and crouch down by her bedside.

"Look, I know the feeling. But you're going to be okay. You're gonna live a long happy life, find something great. Something that is good and pure. And you'll recover."

"But I just want to be skinny!"

"Layne-" Leo tries.

"NO!" She screams. "You don't even know anything, Leo! So can it! And you!" She points at me. "You have NO FREAKING CLUE WHAT IM GOING THROUGH! I DON'T WANT TO RECOVER! I JUST WANT TO BE SKINNY!" Me too, Layne. Me too. But at this point, I give up. She's thrashing around screaming profanity at us and hitting herself. She even starts pulling her NG tube out. All things I did.

At some point, a nurse comes in and administers some sedatives. She calms down soon, and winds up with a prescription for Zyprexa, ontop of her other meds. Leo is in tears from the whole ordeal. Maybe that's how Finn felt, watching me. Now she's a freshman in collage, with a volleyball scholarship.

As a doctor, my job is to disconnect myself from the situation. To not get attached to anyone. Even if I am in fact, connected to it.

I walk over to the "family lounge" which is just a few couches and an some waiting room style chairs in an open corner off one of the main hallways. The colors are neutral browns and reds with an ugly green and mustard yellow. I smooth out my black pencil skirt and my white with navy pinstripe blouse. I pull my lab coat tighter over my shoulders and yet goosebumps form on my arm and bare legs.

I find Leo sitting there, tissue in hand, face buried in his other hand. I sit next to him, careful not to disturb him. He looks up, and I have folded my hands in a very professional manner.

"I'm sorry," He says, and sniffs. "I just.....I can't go watch my own sister do to herself what she's doing."

"Because you watched me. Right. Got it."

"No, not true."

"But it is. You can't stand to watch her be anorexic because of me. If you'd never met me, it would be easier." He stays silent. I rise, and begin to walk away. He grabs my wrist, and I turn around.

"You're right," he lets go of my wrist. "You are right. I can't stand it because I saw what it did to you. And now I have to go through that again. And I can't watch her die like I did before."

"So why is it such a big deal for you when we're anorexics but you had osteosarcoma and you nearly died too?" He is silent, then looks me dead in the eyes.

"Because I couldn't save myself. So instead, I tried to save you. But I couldn't do that either. So now I have to try to save Layne."

"I thought you got over the whole 'Superman' thing?"

"Somethings don't change."

Just like me.
I didn't change.
I'm not recovered.

Just keep living the lie.