To Let Go

Seventeen

I found.

Hate. Demons. Warnings. Focal points. Intellect. Insanity. Triggers. Suffocation. Envy. Pride. Darkness.

I lost.

My mind. Family. Friends. Love. Time. Sanity. Help. My cause. Purpose. Quietness. My body. Balance. Innocences.

I lay in the ICU gurney. Stars swirl around me and mix to create a galaxy. The comforting sound of the heart monitor beeps a steady rhythm that shows me I'm still here.

My eyes droop. I feel a heavy weight encasing my body. I do not have will to stay awake. So instead, I succumb to sleep.

I hear faint footsteps. Five legs all together, marching in unison. I'm in a state of weakness. Where I can't move, I can't talk, for I don't have the will, but I have the will to listen. The footsteps grow. Soon chairs are dragged over and place by my bed. The people sit in them.

"I'm sorry." Is all he can manage.

"So, how come you didn't notice the cuts, huh?" Jordi asks him. "Or the fact she's been using narcotics for painkillers. Or the bruises on her legs, or the late night purges. How didn't you notice that?!"

"I-I........"

"You practically killed her!"

"Jordi...."

"You are so unaware. You blinded yourself!"

"And how come you didn't do anything if you knew?" Leo fires back. There is an awkward silence.

I open my eyes. Now I'm a bit upset at both of them. I mean, how come they come into my room to blame my illness on each other?! That is simply ridiculous. I cross my arms over my chest. The gown scratches at my arms. The EKG leads pinch my chest where they are attached.

"How very nice of you both," I say, my tone annoyed. They just stare. "First you come in, then you blame my illness on each other, then you have a fight about who hurt me the most. And in reality, you both have, yet none of you have. It's my demons fault. Jordi, how dare you blame Leo. He knew all along. We were in constant contacts. Leo, how come you told someone, just not the right person. See, both of you have some issues accepting the fact that it's not your faults, nor mine. It's society's. So please, i'm trying to rest. And if you argue one more time in front of me, I will have you both banned from my room." Jordi's mouth opens and closes slowly, as if he will speak but doesn't. Leo looks a bit surprised, but then has that look as if he's saying,'I told you so' to Jordi.

"Sorry Emma. I can leave." Leo stands. He picks his crutches up.

"You don't have to." I say.

"Um....I have to get ready to go to my drug trial anyways." He hobbles out. Jordi looks at me. His expression pitiful, but eyes cold. He looks down at my bandaged wrists. One of the cuts has stitches. Furthermore disturbing, I can see all of my bones in my hands and arms.

"I'm scared...." I say faintly.

"Of?"

"The doctor said if I don't stop now, I'll have done irreversible damage."

"Emma, you'll be okay. You'll see."

"But what if I don't?? What if I die. I don't want to die. But I don't want to stop either. So how can I live with myself now??"

"You'll find a way. Just tell your head to stop."

"Can you tell your cancer to stop?"

"No."

"Do you understand now?" He looks a bit confused.

Then he nods.