To Let Go

Twenty

We met each other so long ago.

In those times, we were young. Foolish. We kept trying to fit puzzle pieces together and failed. We stumbled around in the dark, cloning to each other out of fear.

Our circumstances brought us together. We found each other at the wrong time. But I have regret. Regret for not being a better person. But you can't change the past. We were there for each other in areas we so desperately tried to fill, but overlooked our own problems. You can never get too attached in a hospital. People die. They get admitted and discharged. You can't bet on them communicating with you outside of the circumstances life and fate has dropped you in.

We lost each other so long ago.

"But I saw you die. How are you still alive? The nurse said you wouldn't wake up." He says, still baffled.

"And I recovered. And if that's hard for you to believe, I'm sorry."

"No, it's not....it's great! You look healthy. You're not just bones anymore. You have life in your eyes." He compliments. I come up with a small smile.

"You're not doing so bad yourself. Mr. Meteorologist in the Air Force. And you can actually walk without crutches now." I grin.

"Well, yeah." He chuckles. There is a silence.

"Were we a mistake?"

"I think we felt pressured by circumstances and fell into a needy relationship. Somehow, you helped me. And I'm grateful for that."

"As am I."

"I'm sorry you had to deal with me as long as you did."

"If I didn't want to be around you, I wouldn't have stayed as long as I did."

"Do you have a phone number I can contact you at if you have any further questions about Layne's treatment?"

"Yes." He scribbles down his number on a spare piece of paper and hands it to me. I throw in a smile as I take it.

"I look forward to accept your sisters case."

"Emma?"

"Yeah?"

"Maybe we can meet for coffee or something. To catch up."

"Sure. I mean, are you ready to give me a second chance?"

"I've come to terms with the past. I know it wasn't you. And I think we clicked. And I want to get to know you more than just your medical diagnosis."

"Agreed." I say, and look down. "I'm free at Thursday at 10:30. I have to go to another hospital to see some other patients. I'm sure you're very busy with your duties serving our country."

"Thursday at 10:30 sounds perfect."

"I will see you then." I stand, as does he. We smile awkwardly. We part with a polite handshake.

The rest of the day goes by okay. In a blur, really. I finish up a few assessments, charts, visited another couple patients. Then finally it was time for me to go home for the end of the day.

I am grateful to finally take off my stiff shoes and feel the cool hardwood floor against my bare feet. I go to the fridge.

After some decision, I finally settle on some leftovers. I take out a salad with cabbage and carrots and lettuce with some light olive oil with Italian spices. I pair this with some lemon water and warmed vegan garlic bread.

Ever since I made a full recovery, it's been easier for me to eat mostly vegetarian, sometimes salmon or tilapia in the mix. I decided instead of being at a calorie goal, I'd just eat intuitively.

Eating when hungry, stopping when full. Some days I undereat a little, but I haven't binged. I stopped counting pounds lost and started counting reputations for workouts. I guess I destroyed my body for a peace of mind I never got. Sure, I have small relapses every now and then, but nothing major. I chose to live. And it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I didn't want to be Society's success story. And then I realized somewhere down the lines.

Life isn't about conforming to society, it's about breaking free from it.