To Let Go

Thirty

Ten Years Ago
10 Minuets Before Emma's Medically Induced Coma

They are going to kill me.
Temporarily.

Actually, thy are sedating me to a coma. To Refeed me, I guess. Because I've been refusing all treatment. All food. I've pulled out my feeding tube five or six times, exercised, even cut my wrists. But no matter what I do, people keep finding more ways to make me fat.
I will be fat.

It all started with that freaking salad.
It was the first thing I had eaten in nine days.
Then I threw it up.
They just had to give me thousands of calories hidden in the chlorophyll. One hundred pounds of fat flowing in the phloem and xylem of the veins.

If that salad hadn't come.
If I hadn't gotten a reason to throw up.
If I had never met Leo.
If I had never come to Ocean Park.
If I never starved myself.
If Kayla had never moved.
If I was normal.

What if this was all a choice?
Because they said I might never wake up.

Present Day

I awake.

Quietly, careful not to disturb Leo sleeping. As if I was a mouse, and I must find the cheese before the nasty cat comes. Carefully, I go over to my dresser, and pull out some thick black sweat pants, my Yale sweatshirt, and some socks.

I slip these on over my tee shirt and yoga pants, and head to the door. I pick up my running shoes, and slip out into the night. The hallways of my building are always so peaceful at night.

I come to the stairwell.
Stairwell.
Those bloody stairwells.

I start my work. A few hundred squats and crunches, running up all the flights of stairs. My legs ache. my head pounds. My heart races. Am I doing only more harm than good?

"Here. Drink this." He says, handing me a rather small glass with water in it. "There is some K-Phous tablets dissolved in there. Should help with the fatigue and hopefully keep you from having another cardiac arrest."

"And you're not going to try to feed me more food?" I ask in disbelief.

"I can't control you, Emma. It's your choice alone to recover," he smiles weakly. "And I made a deal with you. One I intend to keep." I sip the water. It tastes like overly sweet fake fruit. Something like fruit punch, but metallic. I finish the glass in a few gulps. Guess I was thirsty. No, not hunger. I don't feel hunger anymore.
I don't feel anything anymore.

After I finish with the water, I decide on taking a quick shower. I strip and then examine myself in the mirror. I only see the imperfections. Fat collecting in my stomach. Fat in my thighs. Fat everywhere.

Stepping into the shower, I feel numb. Tears come once, then leave. I wash my hair and body quickly before leaving and dressing. I pull my hair up into a bun, and sit on the bed. Shivers rack my body, and I instantly regret not drying my hair.

I pace around the apartment, until I step out on the balcony. The cool air feels numbing.
Somehow, I fall asleep there.

I wander for miles. For what feels like days, until I come to a tree. Climbing it, I sit at one of the top branches. Leo appears next to me, and we sit.

"Look down." he say, pointing. I cast my gaze upon what is someone who is ill. Someone who has all of her bones showing. Someone who looks like the skeleton they see in their closet. I see her entire rib cage, and some of her organs. Her hip bones poke out like razor blades. Her spine stands up like spikes. She is wearing no clothing. Her lifeless body lies limo in the dirt. Then I realize.

"Oh my God..." I whisper. "Is that me??"

Her eyes snap open, and stare at me. And she keeps staring at me.
That haunting stare of death. Of fear. Of numbness. Of so much hate for herself, and so much love for others. Of regret.

Of hunger.