To Let Go

Eleven

I'm still hysterical by the time the other Day nurse arrives.

It ended up with me screaming more and crying. I hit and pounded away on my stomach.  I took and dumped the supplement down the drain. And to top it off, I pulled my feeding tube out halfway, and threatened to rip it out if they fed me more.

It got so bad two nurses had to restrain me while they administered meds to calm me down. I was in a drowsy state, drifting in and out of sleep. Not having fathomable thoughts.

Someone walks in. I turn over, my eyes closed. I open them to find my mom kneeling at my bedside. My dad stands in the background. My mom has obviously been crying, judging from the red nose and her irritated eyes. My dad looks pale, eyes glossy.

"Honey, we need to talk." She says. My dad sucks in a breath and rubs his forehead.

"What-what's wrong?" I stutter.

"The doctors told us you have a very serious condition. It's a side effect of the disorder, and it's very deadly."

"What?" I open my eyes more.

"You have slight refeeding syndrome."

"What is that..."

"Well uh, some symptoms are fluid retention, delirium, and vomiting. That's why you gained so much weight so fast, was due to the water retention. It's not actual weight, it's just fluid. Even though you only have slight fluid retention they still want to keep you here a bit longer just to keep an eye on you." I nod, thinking slowly. Does this mean I'm not actually gaining weight?

"There's also another thing.  Since you've been eating one to two solid meals a day, and your heart rate is doing better, they are considering where to send you for the next step."

"Next step?"

"Yes. They're going to move you back to the eating disorders ward soon."

"So I'm in the intensive care ward?"

"Not the ICU, but like it." My dad corrects.

"And you'll have a roommate in the ward. You'll have a strict schedule that you will have to follow. They have some therapy and classes. And you'll have some free time to go to the cafe downstairs to buy tea or coffee or whatever," my mom smiles. "How does that sound?"

"Fine, but why were you guys crying earlier?"

"Oh, that was from being told about your refeeding syndrome. It could possibly be deadly, but that's a small chance."

"So what will happen after the ED ward?"

"You'll be transferred to a PHP. It's a day program. You'll have weekends off. So we can do things as a family, or you can hang out with friends. But on weekends, you'll have a strict meal plan, much like on the weekdays. You'll have some free time, classes, do yoga; you'll love it. They even have a library."

"Oh... and after that?"

"Home." My dad smiles. I feel white noise ring in my ears.

How on earth am I going to survive this?