Forever Lost

18

The following weeks were fairly calm while my body continued to slowly recover. Although I was now able to perform daily tasks on my own, I was still unable to do anything that required strength. So, when it was time for spring cleaning, I went to my room and started to clean; but, when I went to move my bed, my frustration grew as I realized that I could not do so. My muscles were now "humanized" and I did not have the strength that I used to have. My feet slid against the rug and grunts fell from my strained lips as I continued to try to move the large bed. All I want to do is vacuum beneath it.
The anger and frustration of being "normal" was finally talking its toll on me and my eyes started to get teary. Don't cry. I've done enough crying. Every time I cry or feel like I'm going crazy, the Joker gets what he wanted from me; to see me slowly giving up. I finally gave up and sat against my bed with my head in my hands. My chest rose and fell quickly from the small effort and Silkie scurried over to sit in my lap.
My hand immediately rose to pet his smooth, rubbery skin and he melted into my touch. "Oh Silkie, you are one of the only things that keep me sane." He just looked up at me with a smile. The rest of the Titans were consumed with their own tasks and I decided to move on from vacuuming and take a quick shower. Lately, showers have been one of the only ways I am able to clear my mind. The warm steam and scalding hot water help me escape reality and just focus on myself for thirty minutes. As I undressed, my eyes lingered on the various scars that had now taken over my once clear skin and I couldn't help but sigh at the sight. The J engraved one my wrist had only darkened into a very obvious scar and I had been keeping a bandage over it so I wouldn't have to constantly look at it. I peeled the white tape off of it and did my best not to stare, but it was very hard. The mark begged me to look at it and give in to the pain it caused me. When my eyes finally gave in and landed on the letter, flashbacks of my time away caused me to close my eyes and fall to the ground. This wasn't the first time this had happened, it's happened at least three times before. Usually Robin is here to help me but this time I am alone. My breathing rapidly gained pace and my head pounded as I tried to rid my thoughts of the dark images. Come on, just relax and think of something good, that's what Robin said to do, Robin. As soon as I pictured his face in my mind, my breathing altered. It was still fast, but I started to regain control of my body. I pictured myself and Robin sitting in the grass on my birthday, when we gave ourselves to each other and admitted that we were in love. I remembered the necklace he gave me and my hands reached for the locket around my neck. It surprised me that the Joker hadn't taken the silver object and to be honest, I had sort of forgotten about it. I guess my mind wasn't exactly focusing on what I was wearing. My fingers took the cool metal between them and I put all of my focus into the small piece of jewelry. Within a minute, my nerves had started to calm down and I forced myself to step into the shower. The water was perfect, not too cold, nor hot, and my muscles instantly relaxed. I took time to gently wash over each of my injuries and tried not to focus on any certain one. This last month and a half has been absolute hell and I wondered why me? Why didn't the Joker kill me? That's what he does to almost everyone he comes in contact with, so why did he choose to spare my life?

Robin

Starfire was cleaning her room and the rest of us were facing each other in the living room as we brainstormed how to go forward.
"We obviously can't remove her from the team, she's our friend." My eyes landed on Cyborg and I nodded my head as I placed my knuckles to my mouth and thought.
"Well, I mean, Robin is on the team and he doesn't have any special abilities. Maybe we can train her to use her strength and flexibility like you."
Raven was right.
"I think you're right Raven, and I know that she hates not being able to help the team so maybe this will help her feel like she has more of a purpose." Everyone nodded their heads I agreement and BeastBoy clapped his hands together. "So, we all agree to start training Star?" Our answers were all in unison and we each agreed to do our parts. "I'll help her learn acrobatics and fighting techniques."
"I'll help her with stealth and learning how to blend in with surroundings," BeastBoy added.
Cyborg decided to start making some gadgets for Star to use and then help her learn how to use them. And Raven said she would try and come up with some spells to try and protect Star in battles; kind of like armor.
"I think that we have a chance of really turning her back into the old Starfire." Everyone agreed with me and we all gave BeastBoy a glare when he added the fact that she just wouldn't have starbolts, incredible strength, or the ability to fly. "What? I'm just saying." Raven took a moment to snack him in the shoulder.
Maybe this will work, maybe we can make her feel like she has a purpose again.

Hey everyone, I'm so so so so so so sorry for the incredibly late update! These last two months have been insane. I finished junior year and I'm now a senior! Like I can't believe I'm actually going to be graduating hell in a year lol. One of the biggest things that came up was something awful. We had a fellow classmate of ours pass away at the young age of 17. He was a great young man and unfortunately, it was due to suicide. I didn't personally know him but it hit home because I have previously attempted and to see the effect it had on everyone was so hard. And I can't even begin to imagine what his poor family is going through. I guess I'm telling y'all this because I want you all to know that you can do it! I have been struggling with depression, anxiety, and PTSD for four years now and although I will never really be completely fine and normal again, with the help of therapy and support from my family and friends, I have learned how to keep pushing forward. I have learned an abundance of coping skills and ways to not focus on the bad things that life can throw at you. Please know that if any of you need someone to talk to, I am here. Just because I'm only 17 and don't personally know you doesn't mean anything. I think of every one of my awesome readers as my friends and supporters because you all are the ones that help me keep writing and following my dreams. Anyways, I could blabber on and on about this because it's so important to me but I'm just going to end this update with a thank you for your patience! I know it sucks to have to wait on an update for something you enjoy haha. Thank you all and I look forward to the next update, hopefully since it is now summer I will be able to update on a regular schedule.