Lessons of Love

To Survive or Not Survive?

"Well thats it for today Lilith, or can I call you Lili?" No no no no no. No. She can't...one or two people have called me that the two people that have lost my trust...although the memories will never fade, although they'll always be a part of me, although they've changed my life forever I'm glad. I'm glad its changed me, even if it was for the worst...but I can't shake the feeling that envelopes my chest...pain...sadness...desperation.

All the words that were left unspoken and will never be, all because Harry is dead.

"Lilith" What? "Excuse me?" She sighed it looked as though she had something to say but decided against it, I'm glad I can no longer handle this conversation, I can no longer handle this life without him. Stupid Harry. "So we'll continue tomorrow?"

No.

"Yes, goodbye" I got up and slung my bag over my shoulder...speaking of Bags I should get a new one. As My hand touched the icy door knob I heard a voice pulling me out of my thoughts once again.

"Lili" I stared at her blankly, no expression on my face.

"Lilith, I meant to say Lilith, this time tomorrow okay?" My voice felt weak and strangled all at once so I went with the only option left since I was unable to speak, I nodded. I pulled once again on the door knob and walked out.

Once outside the building, or clinic as I like to call it, my hair was whipped in all sorts of directions from the breeze. Others would call it cold, but I would Say they would know what cold was once they took a look inside of my, inside of my lifeless empty soul. I am no longer living I am simply surviving, I am breathing...that's it...surviving. I am no longer a human being I am just a shell, a lonely walking shell.

I looked at the sidewalk and debated if i should just walk or wait for mom, I went with my first option. My boots scrunched up the ice beneath me, as I took a long walk down memory lane. To how my life was before Harry. Ms. Smith will soon find out about all of this... As I walked up the stone steps to my house I regretted it immediately as I opened the door with an angry mother waiting for me. "Well god dammit Lilith, you nearly gave me a heart attack. Where were you?"

I crossed my arms over my chest and scoffed "wouldn't be the first time I gave you one of those, now would it mother? I was at the ward by the way." I started walking up the stairs towards my room, wanting to be alone. "It's not a ward, look we-I sent you there because I know you're going through a tough time and you need all the help you can get from us."

From us? From us...no.

"HAHA look at you, being all caring now, doing a mothers job. Aren't you? You're probably sending me there because you want me fixed. You can't, fix me. No one can" I started going back up the stairs again, there were so many thoughts going on in my head, but I just managed to get one or two out there, even if mother might not be listening.

"I just want help, I want to feel like I matter. That's it, but nothing or no one can help me..."

It hurt to say those words because I knew what was about to come out of my mothers mouth, and me being the stupid person I am, I listened and waited at the top of the stairs.

"Harry would and could fix you" she sighed walking away into another room.

Oh mother I wish he could, he betrayed me though. Plus he's dead. I no longer wanted to talk to anyone else as I walked into my room. I thought and though, and as though this might sound very cliché as someone who was once an average person, as of this moment, I feel like Hazel Grace, "I am a grenade." I said to myself. And slowly I am ticking away until the rest of me dies, but there is a small part of me that want to live. The part that belonged to Harry.