Lessons of Love

Clarity

I looked down at my fidgety fingers that were placed on my lap, just thinking to myself.  I didn't know how to answer Ms. Smith's question, I'm not sure anybody can really. 

"Lilith?"  She called my name, but all I heard was a faint voice lost within my thoughts.

"I-I"  I was trying to find the words to say, but I just didn't know what to say.  So I shrugged.

"Okay, I'm going to ask it to you in a different way and just answer it okay?"  I nodded, and she gave me a small smile showing off her white teeth. 

"Do you think you have control over your life?" 

"I-I don't think anyone can control their lives, to be honest."  She nodded.

"How so?" She raised one of her eyebrows at me, as if trying to think of what I would say.

"Life is unpredictable.  It's like a box of chocolate, you never know what you're gonna get."  I shrugged, almost laughing because I used that line from 'Forrest Gump.'  Ms. Smith did too, and then nodded at me, wanting to hear more of what I had to say.

"I mean I don't think we have a set future.  Things happen, people change, just stuff like that."  I shrugged again.

"Do you wish you had a set future?" 

"No."  I answered almost immediately, without giving it any thoughts.

"Why?" She asked me, curious once again.

I sighed, but I didn't want to think about it, I just wanted to say. 

"I had one, or at least I thought it did.  But I-I fell in love and my life changed for the worse, you know what I'm talking about...  I'm going to try to recover from it, but I won't be able to heal properly.  I'm trying though...or at least I think I am." 

I did have a plan or a life plan really, but it all changed when I met Harry.  Everything changed when I realized I was falling for him, he started changing when I met him.  In a way though, it was too late.  He not only changed the person I was, but also changed how I live my life.   

She smiled at me proudly.  "That's good Lilith.  Now are you ready to talk about what happened?" 

"Not yet."  I answered, no longer able to look at her in her eyes.  I was ashamed.

"Lilith, you didn't know."  She told me, sympathy in her voice.

"I should've, I mean now that I look back-there were a few signs!"  I answered, almost feeling tears come to my eyes. 

"Okay, let's talk about this another day.  When you're ready."

"We will." 

"So tell me more about this not having a plan thing."  She gave me a half smile.

"Well what more is there to say?  Life has it's was of teaching, showing and making you feel things.  You learn lessons, you get showed that without the bad days we wouldn't know how to appreciate the good days...like oh my gosh, I'm going to be cheesy by saying this, for example pain.  It demands to be felt, but I think it's what we choose to do with that pain that's inside of us that makes the outcome.  Am I making sense?  Please do stop me when you don't understand, or at least say something." 

"I think you're right.  Life has it's was of showing us what matters most in our life, I think that's why we feel pain."  She took a breath, I wanted to hear her continue what she caught from what I told her.  "I think what you said does have to deal with our plan in life, because our plan is always based on our outcomes.  What about love?"