Lessons of Love

Warmth

I didn't know what to do, my mind was telling me to run, run as far away as I can, but my mind was telling me to stay to vent out the unfinished words to Harry.  I can't though, I haven't come to terms with everything else.  My mind was also telling me to think about that night, the past, no, not right now. 

"I don't want to remember" I said quietly to myself as I let the reality sink in. 

I did.  Remember that is.

I only wanted to remember the parts that involved Harry before I knew who he really was.  I just wanted Harry.  I spent Christmas, New Years, and now I will spend the rest of my holidays and life most likely alone.  I deserved it though.  I didn't want to see him after the day he sold my love.  I told him I hated and I never wanted to see him again. 

I got my wish. 

I didn't attend his funeral, I couldn't knowing that I was also the cause of his death.  He shouldn't of had gotten in the way though.  Damn Harry.  This was the first time I visited him since then. 

Now that I think about it, this is the first time I have actually shown emotion.

I don't know how much more of this I can take, I am going mad.  Insane really.  I need my sanity back, before I leap into my new fall. 

I slowly got up, and this time to leave, for good.  "See ya later Harry." I said as I blew his gravestone a kiss.

I clutched the note in my hand as I walked back home.  The night was only getting, I started feeling my body shriveling and shaking from the cold, I held my jacket closer to my body hoping this would do until I got home.  The only noises I heard was steady breathing, and the slight noise my boots made as they stepped on the snow.  I starting think how in a way I now could resemble snow, I was pure once until I basically allowed people to take advantage of me and do what they pleased, I was turned to almost complete silence other than that of the muffling sounds,  and lastly I was turned into something cold.  Not someone, something, their doll.

I didn't realize how long I've been thinking for when I finally reached the front door to my house.  I quickly unlocked it hoping I didn't have to think of anything as of right now, I was too exhausted to do anything.  Without giving it another thought, I went straight towards the stairs.

"Lilith." My mothers voice startled me out of thought as I was in the middle of the staircase.

"Yes?" I said rather loudly, not wanting to go down there.

"Just don't freak out okay?"  Is all I heard her say before I heard the ruffling of papers, I shrugged not knowing what she was talking about.  I finally made it to my room, and as I opened my bedroom door I finally knew what she was talking about.  The wind was knocked out of my lungs for the third time this day, tears wanted to cloud my eyes but I knew better as of right now.  I can't cry.

"I am not going to freak out" I said to myself quietly while lifting my gaze off from the floor. 

On my bed, there lay a box.  A box clearly labeled with his name on it.

Harrys. 

"Harry ju-just stop pl-pleease go" I sniffled.

"NO-just dammit listen to me."  No.

"There's nothing to listen to Harry"

I still heard him from outside my door, but he was no longer banging.  I was still laying down on the ground, hearing him get more and more frustrated with not only himself, but with me. 

"Just let me make it up to you."  His voice pleaded. 

"You can make it up to me" I said, frustrated that he wouldn't leave.  I thought he left when I no longer heard him from outside.  As I got up and stepped closer to the door I only heard silence.  I placed my ear against the door and still heard nothing but silence.  I looked through the peephole, his car was still there but Harry wasn't.  Where could he have gone to?   He must've taken a walk.  I heard a thump coming from upstairs, I ignored it.