Lessons of Love

Mistakes and Promises

They all stared at me, dumbfounded, as if I grew two heads; which made me question if what I said was the right thing.

"Well? Are we going to do this or no?" I aggravatingly asked, rolling my eyes.

Liam just looked at me for a minute, studying my facial expression. I tried so hard to keep my straight face, even though on the inside all I wanted to do was cry. Cry for what I have put others through, most especially my mother, for having to deal with me through everything that's happened. From trying to take care of me when I got back home to taking me with Ms. Smith to get the help I need. I also want to cry for Liam, I have to put him through this once again and because of everything that happened the day him and Harry tried to help get me out of there.  And Zayn.

Zayn. 

I feel,sorry for him too, we've only just met and I'm putting him through this mess that I made from my foolish mistakes.  If only we wouldn't of had met that one day at the Starbucks, if only I didn't tell him that he'll be there when I fall, shit.  If only I didn't kiss him back, maybe we wouldn't be in this mess.  But would everything be the same?  Would I of met Zayn either way?  Would I have wanted to change my life style?  I don't think so. 

But the person I want to cry most for is myself.  I'll admit I've made a shit ton of mistakes, probably more than I can count, but did they really lead up all to this?  Was my life supposed to come to this?  Is this some sort of punishment from not staying away from Harry?  From not listening to what others and my mother would tell me?  Maybe I did deserve it.  Maybe I didn't, but I remember Charles telling me that my mother was also to blame for putting me in this mess.  I defended her though, despite it all, but maybe I shouldn't had..  Maybe she is to blame for this. 

'She did this to you.  She caused you this pain.  Your mother should be looking for you, saving you even, but you know her...she sure loves her men.'  The sayings that Charles told me while there started clouding my judgment, but I quickly got rid of them. 

I looked back up at them, and no words could express how much I wanted to cry because none of them deserve this.  'Even if one of them did cause this.' My subconscious told me. 

They really don't. If anyone deserves it, it's me. I put myself in this mess and I just have to find a way to get out of it.

"No reason, isn't it time though?" I cleared my throat, "that we finally put an end to this?"

"But do you want it? What's your real reason Lilith?" My mother asked me as I raised my eyebrows at her. Did she really not know? Was it not noticeable?

"Well if you really want to fucking know, I am so done with this shit!" I forcefully yelled. "I don't particularly want this lifestyle, I am so done with being scared that maybe he could find me again, and guess what he did!" I threw my hands up towards my head and started tugging at my hair, with my eyes watering.

Dammit why do I keep on crying?

"Did you know what it was like living there!?" My hands dropped as my voice cracked in the end, finally showing my vulnerability, my worst fear.

I looked to see their reactions, Liam had his mouth agape not knowing what to say because there was nothing he or they could say to becayse they've never been through what I have. Zayn had his eyebrows furrowed eyes closed chin in hand as if it was painful to hear what I had to say, no scratch that, what it was going to say and lastly my mom. My mom who just looked at me with a guilty expression and her hand over her heart as she tried fighting her tears.

"Do you know what it was like not knowing if you would live to see the light the next day?"  I could no longer look at them because my eyes were covered with the sleeves of my shirt as I tried to ride myself of the tears that wouldn't stop and racked my whole body.