Lessons of Love

Storms Inside of Me

It's been two weeks since I've last talked to Ms. Smith.

It's been two weeks since I've last been outside of my house.

It's been two weeks since I've last made any interaction with anyone.  Including my mother.

But it's been about five months that I could've been getting better, getting the help I need, but instead I'm destroying myself. 

I'm not talking to anybody because I have no words to say.  I want to talk to somebody.  But that person can only hear me, and maybe see me.  That person can't protect me from myself, can't talk to me, can't comfort me, and I'm sure as hell that person can't come back. 

Ever.

I need to just see him again, and try to get out the few thoughts in my head that have no meaning to anyone else but him.

I quickly got ready, not bothering to care what I looked like.  I went downstairs and grabbed an apple to eat on the go.  I needed to get there fast.  I left a note for my mom, on the door as I shut it.  It wasn't as cold, but it wasn't hot either.  It was just nice, the sky was still cloudy but it didn't bother me.  I quickly made my way to go see Harry as I finished my apple and threw it into the trash can near one of the neighbors houses.  I nearly jogged as fast as I could to go see him. 

As I made my way there, I noticed this was the second time I've visited him.  I wanted this to be the last, but deep down inside I knew it wouldn't be.  

As I found his grave I sat down, I tried making myself comfortable on my ex-boyfriends grave, well I don't even know if I considered him my boyfriend, others wouldn't.   

I took a deep breath, not knowing where to start, not knowing the first word to explain the mess going on inside of me.

"Harry, shit.  I-"  I was frustrated I don't know where to start.  "Dammit, I really thought I knew what I was going to tell you, but I don't.  I really don't.  Harry, I shouldn't of had even came, Harry..."  I started playing my fingers, a habit of mine that I do when I'm nervous or frustrated, I tilted my head to the side and closed my eyes.  I tried picturing Harry, what he would be doing right now to comfort me. 

I imagined how he would be hugging me from behind, his arms tucked around my waist, his face nuzzled into my neck, humming sweet lullabies that soothed me.  I relaxed myself as best as I could.  "Harry, I-I don't know who to talk to anymore, I just needed to talk to someone.  Harry I'm supposed to be getting better, but it seems like I'm doing the exact opposite.  I'm destroying myself Harry.  I really am, especially right now because I'm here talking to you.  I shouldn't be doing this."

I wiped my eyes from the tears that have already left my eyes.

"I want to though, I just need to say a few things then I'll be on my way Harry.  Harry, please" I sighed looking down, "Please watch and protect me from above, I just need to know someone is watching me.  I'm scared Harry.  I'm scared of changing into someone I don't want to, I'm scared of becoming the person I was when you first left me.  I'm scared of-I'm just scared of everything." 

"Harry I want to be someone better.  I don't want to be destructive, I don't want to be a grenade." 

Should I tell him about the box?  Yes.

"The box that you left for me came two weeks ago...I basically freaked out when I saw it.  I had so many emotions that day now that I think about it.  I'm glad you put you the frame in there, but it accidently cracked o my side when I tripped, I'm sorry.  I've been meaning to get a new frame but I haven't been out in a while.  I still haven't seen anything else from inside the box other then the frame, your paper plane necklace, and the dream catcher.  Oh, now that I remember...I brought this for you."