Beautiful nightmare

Sunrise, sunset and moon

Before anything else, this one's for koalaslayin. 😊 Enjoy!

“Your name, please.” One of the facilitators gave her the pen and paper for registration. “Write it down there so we can print your assessment form.” (Enrollment, BulSU style! LOL)

As I write down my name, I saw an unfamiliar name in the list. Is he a transferee or what? Same initials as mine: wow. Trent Joaquin. Nice name!

“Miss tapos na?” Singit naman neto. I smiled and handed her the paper. She rolled her eyes. Did she just – omyghad. Pigilan n’yo ako, mga bes. Charot. Sorry, hindi ko pa nga pala napapakilala sarili ko.

I am Trixie Jade de Guzman Muhlach. Pardon me if sometimes I use gay lingo. Bakla kasi talaga ako! Eme lang! Yung mga baklang kineme kasi ni mom, mga bakla ng taon. Tinuruan ako tapos kapag daw nagkaroon ako ng shiupatembang kahit lulukiz, turuan ko din. Ispluk ako, wit pwede!

“Why are you smiling from ear to ear? Is there something you can see that ordinary people can’t see?”

“Bakla ka ng taon!” the guy’s voice snaps her out of her reverie. Susungitan na sana n’ya but he smiled at her. “You’re so cute.” He told her again. “What’s your name?”

She blushed with the compliment but she tried to conceal it. “My name’s Trixie Jade, TJ. Call me TJ.”

“Woah! Nice!” This guy’s creeping the hell out of me. Close ba kami neto? Akala mo eh, kilalang-kilala ako!

I am not that good at people. Only those who know me well can get along with my moods. And it takes a lot to get my trust and there’s only a few people whom I’m comfortable with.

“My name is Trent Joaquin. They call me TJ too.” S’ya pala yun. I don’t know why but I became comfortable with im instantly. Maybe because madaldal s’ya?”

Afternoon came and it’s time to go home. Mabilis lang naman yung page-enroll pero kasi, nagtour pa kami sa school ni TJ kasi nga transferee s’ya kaya di n’ya alam. Weird pala when you’re calling someone with your own name! tehee! But it’s also weird, he came from abroad pero ang fluent n’ya pa rin magtagalog.

“Sige na, I’ll go home. Baka hinahanap na ako nina lola.”  He’s 2 years older than I am pero same grade level lang kami. And he grew up with his lola. Sabi n’ya almost 3 or 4 year’s old na s’ya nung sinamahan si;a ng parent n’ya but, lagi din daw sila busy kaya parang pareho lang.

“Hey, how was your day my princess?” I didn’t notice dad approach me. Nahawa na ata ako sa kadaldalan ni Trent: ang dami ko ng alam sa kanya.

“Well and good, dad. I have a new friend.” He smiled. Dad always takes such thing as progress in me. Ayaw na ayaw ko daw kasi sa tao kaya achievement may bago akong kaibigan.

Well, can you blame me? If people keep leaving, why would you let yourself get attached when they are just in your life temporarily? Dad keeps saying, nothing’s permanent and that temporary people will teach you a lot. Like what? Get hurt and broken over and over again? To be numb of all the pain you’ve felt?

“You’re spacing out again.” I smiled at dad and cling to his arm. “Let’s have pizza, dad. I wa—need it! Kapagod ih!””

As we eat that day, as I tell him everything that happened the whole time Trent and I toured the chool, I saw dad’s gaze land to a distance, how his eyes showed sadness and pain, how his smile faded, and how his world seem to have fallen.

I traced his gaze and saw a woman with, most probably, her partner being cozy with each other. I smiled and felt happy for them for they seem to be so much in love. But then I wondered, why is dad reacting differently?

But then the woman turned and I saw a very familiar face. She is that girl. The woman who caused most of mom and dad’s quarrel, she is the woman mom always get jealous of. She is the same lady, mom always said, dad fell hard for.

I can never blame dad for falling for her and will never wonder why mom, even with her impeccable beauty, gets jealous and insecure of her, especially now that I’ve seen her in person. The lady is flawless, almost perfect. I never blamed her with whatever problem my family went through. She has nothing to do with it. It was my mom’s choice to be jealous when there’s nothing to be jealous of and maybe, that pushed that to fell even harder.

Siguro sa kakaselos ni mom, sa kakasabi n’yang Ms. Lea’s better, dad thought of the same way that he fell for her. As I watched them go, I thought, if she meant to destroy my family, she should’ve stayed. But she didn’t.

“But then she’s back.”I whispered and sighed. Sana naman her presence won’t cause much trouble. Mahal pa kaya s’ya ni dad?

I looked at dad and his eyes are still fixed on them as they went out. As if on cue, a song played. I saw him sighed and I know this is just the right song for him.

As long as the star shine down from the heavens
‘Long as the rivers run to the sea
I’ll never get over you getting over me

I could still remember those days dad would get drunk. He’s staring at the same picture of a girl mom said he once and truly loved. I wondered, did he really just ‘once loved’ her or does he still?

I try to smile so the hurt won’t show
Tell everybody I was glad to see you go
But the tears just won’t go away
Loneliness found me
Looks like it’s here to stay

During those times, loneliness and pain from mom’s face won’t pass my eyes. I can never stop thinking, since when has she been bearing this pain? Until when can she handle this heartbreak he’s causing her?

No matter what I do
Each night’s a lifetime to live through
I can’t go on like this
I need your touch
You’re the only one I’ve ever loved

I looked at dad who’s still spacing out. I examined every part of his face and looked at his eyes. And then I asked myself, is he here with us because he had finally learned to love mom? Did he really choose us? Or is he just here because he had a responsibility he needed to do? Worst, is he just here because the love of his life gave up on him and we are just is last option, his second choice, the only choice he has even if he doesn’t really wanted?

His words echoed in my mind again. We were at the seaside watching how the sun kiss the horizon, I asked him,

Dad, that lady you always talk about, who is she?

“She was the sunrise I always waited for when I wake up. She was the first thing I wanted to see. But she became my sunset..”

“Well, that could mean a lot of things.” He smiled at me and faced the sky.

“She proved me endings could be beautiful too.”

I heaved a deep breathe. He may have said, she is already a beautiful ending to him but I know, and I’ve proven through his unsent letters to her that she will always be his moon. She may not be around always but she stays on his system, giving him, like what he wrote to her, the light he needs during the darkest days of his life.

If she was his sunrise, his sunset, and will always be his moon, what are we to him? The storm he needs to pass? What am I to him? The gloomy clouds, the responsibility, that took away all his chances to be with his sunrise, sunset and moon?

I may look like a jolly person but I think deep. I have a lot of questions to a lot of things. And one question keeps bothering me: will I ever get answers to all my queries? I guess I’ll never know. but who can say? Maybe the answers are just out there waiting to be unveiled.

xxxx

HI, fellas! Sorry, it took me a while. Anyways, give me those feedbacks. Comment down, folks! Next update still a work-in-progress.