The Diary of a Fallen Girl

worlds

Clocks.

You didn't leave over time, you didn't fade away. You were there one day, and then gone the next, and it never gave me any time to adjust. You immediately left me with the feeling of being incomplete, and now I don't know when I will be okay again but I pray to god it will be soon, because I'm falling apart again and now there is one less piece of me to lose.

Imagination.

My dreams have been replaced with nightmares, yet they're still the same. The only difference is now, when I see your lips on mine and your fingers around my heart, I don't wake up to a feeling of warmth. I wake up with shaking hands and burning eyes, because the reality that used to be within reach is now billions of universes over.

Universes.

SPEAKING OF UNIVERSES, THE BEAUTIFUL ONE THAT YOU HAD BUILT IN MY HEART AND GROWN GARDENS IN IS DYING, BECAUSE THERE IS NOBODY HERE TO CARE FOR IT ANYMORE AND EVEN IF I WANTED TO KEEP IT ALIVE, LOOKING AT THE COLOR GREEN MAKES ME S I C K, AND NOW ALL MY OXYGEN IS GROWING OLD BUT I WILL TRY TO BREATHE UNTIL I NO LONGER CAN.

Torture.

I wonder if a part of you enjoys hurting me, because when I look over at you, you seem to look at her a little bit more lovingly, kiss her a little bit gentler, and then touch her a little bit softer, and it makes my heart beat a little bit harder, but never in the beautiful way that you used to make it do. Instead, now I only wish for it to stop altogether.

Solace.

I don't know what I was to you, and maybe I never will, but I do know how you made me feel, and I don't know if the happiness will ever outweigh the pain you've brought to me, but I pray it will one day. I don't want to grow old thinking that I should hate you; I don't want to live my life knowing that I definitely shouldn't still love you.

Worth.

Sometimes I wish you deserved me. Sometimes I wish that I felt like you deserved me. But in the end, I will always know that you didn't ever deserve me, and maybe that hurts even more— knowing that you didn't even care whether you deserved me or not; knowing that you didn't care either way. You didn't care, and you probably never did, so why do I?

Choices.

As much as I dream about you saying those words to me again, I know that you don't hurt people you love. You don't purposely do things that will hurt someone you love, and you definitely don't want people you love to be hurt. Knowing that you easily let all three of those things happen, it's safe to say that you didn't love me. You don't even have the right to think that you ever did.

Vultures.

You don't get to pick and choose which parts of people you want, but I guess you tried, and by my fault, you succeeded. You only ever chose the happy parts, the rest was unseen— uncared for by you. Sadly, the parts that you always ignored made up most of who I am, so now, you may as well only be familiar with a stranger. Maybe it was my fault for letting it happen, but I guess I couldn't recognize a vulture even if it stared me in the eyes and told me it loved me.

Pinky promises.

WHEN YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE, YOU PROMISED TO STAY. YOU MADE ME BELIEVE YOUR PROMISE, AND THEN YOU GAVE ME A FEELING OF SAFETY. YOU WERE MY HOME, AND THEN YOU TAUGHT ME THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER FEEL TOO SAFE IN SOMEONES ARMS BECAUSE PEOPLE AREN'T PERMANENT; AND THEN YOU LEFT. YOU TAUGHT ME THAT EVERYBODY LEAVES IN THE END, NO MATTER HOW MANY PROMISES THEY MAKE.

YOU SPENT YEARS TELLING ME THAT YOU WOULD NEVER LEAVE, AND THEN YOU LEFT, AND THEN YOU LEFT,

AND THEN YOU LEFT.

***

(Everything you chose to do wrong; D.C.F / 23 / E.A.D)