The Diary of a Fallen Girl

route 19 (pt. 1)

It's ironic how meeting a single person could alter your entire reality, when you were the one trying to end it.

You have, by far, been the greatest example of a miracle on earth. The fact that I have been close to death twice now scares me way more than it did before, when I was nothing but a shell of a human being who existed solely for others. I told my closest friend that I was to end my life on my nineteenth birthday, and she accepted the fact of my impending suicide with all seriousness, for we both knew that there was not a joking atom in my body. The idea of a predisposed suicide being normal to a living, breathing human being is terrifying. Until I met you, I was going about my life with the knowledge that I would not live past nineteen. It was easy that way— set in stone, if you must. It was comforting to have control of your own fate, and it made my remaining four years seem less terrible to deal with in perspective. Now, I am no longer comfortable, and I realize that that's the way life is supposed to be. I am not supposed to throw the whole story away rather than just tear out a few pages.

It's funny to think that it only took me meeting one person to completely rediscover my purpose on this otherwise miserable planet. Not funny in the comical sense, but rather, funny in the sense that had I not taken Spanish 1 class or spontaneously decided to befriend a seemingly insignificant stranger, I would still be living my life knowing that my death was approaching, or better yet — I may not even be living at all. Out of all the chances I have been given on this planet, why did the very last one prove to be the redemption of an almost completely failed existence? Comical almost, like my glass life was being thrown around with slippery hands that fumbled with every catch. Then, there came the best player of all— the one that took me and glued me to his side so I could not escape existence, not even if I tried. He deserves my trust and everything underneath the moon for making me fall in love with him, which seems simple in retrospect. However, I will never cease to be shocked by the fact that I was impressed by a ghost in the form of a boy with a beautiful mind. If even the most eloquent and challenge-ready men have been laughingly shot down by my high-standard demeanor, how was it that a wide-eyed boy who looked at me with such genuine innocence managed to melt my stone cast heart? It was something about your humbleness — your belief that you did not deserve me — that surprised my expectations. I'd always known that those who thought that they deserved me never did, but I didn't ever believe that people of the opposite manner existed. I was used to being constantly undermined, and in return, I never shared myself with a man who thought he could have me. Then, you looked at me and immediately inflated the person who you thought I was to the point that you became nothing more than a grain of sand underneath an elephants foot, and I blinked with the realization that you did, in fact, deserve me. And maybe, just maybe, it was me who didn't deserve you. Thus, trapped in a paradox, we begun to deserve each other, and yet lived in denial of it. Alas, that was the beauty in the madness of us. You hugged me thinking it would be the last time, and I hugged you back knowing that it was only the first. This is the one time the knack of getting my way came in handy, for it was the only time I truly used it. I am stubborn, yes, but more so driven by the things I want. And rarely did I ever crave something as much as I craved you. I'll admit, I was selfish, but only because I saw your potential.

All my life I had been chasing away peoples half-assed attempts of respecting my worth, so when I finally found the man who would truly appreciate every inch of me, I knew he was to be mine. The attraction was undeniable, yet we both prepared for the worst and convinced ourselves that the other person simply wasn't interested. I never thought twice about how we slowly melted into each other's hearts without acknowledgement, until one day, you took a leap and turned your internalized feelings into something tangible.

"Do you realize how much I legitimately like you?"