The Diary of a Fallen Girl

a reverse suicide note

Goodbye.

I'm sorry.

Wait — I now know what I want.

There is a hole in my chest. It has been there since the age of seven.

Some days, it swallows me whole. Others, it is no more annoying than a rock in my shoe.

There is a hole in my chest, and it is eating me alive. I have no reason for living except to not hurt the people around me. I am scared of the people who used to be in my life. Terrified. They emotionally manipulated me. And yet, I loved them.

Let me explain. There is a hole in my chest, eating away at me slowly. It consumes my thoughts, haunts my sleep. It teaches me that bad people are good and good people are horrible. The hole in my chest is a liar. I know this, and I still fall for it.

Laying still with my eyes closed on one of my best friends mattresses, next to someone who completed me, I realized I have found a home. I am in love with life. I am deeply, hopelessly, madly, and irrevocably in love with life. But I do not want to be here anymore.

Yet, I fantasize about the thought of an end to my suffering. Every night, in fact. I dream about the thought of not waking up to see another day. It is my dirty secret. It must only be shared religiously.

Yes, I want to stop living. But no, I do not want to die.

Whether it be 2 days, 2 months, or 2 years; I will fix myself. Whether it takes my last breath to remain on this earth, I cannot; I refuse to leave.

Going away is no longer an option for me.

I'm sorry.

~~~

Now read this backwards.

~~~

(It's not a cry that you hear at night ; hallelujah)