Been You

Chapter 23: Fight This With Me

ELYSANDRA'S POV:

Once I'd finished hyperventilating on Justin's bathroom floor, he carried me to his room. He tucked me into the covers before sitting on the edge of the bed, resting his elbows on his knees. I couldn't read his expression because his head was in his hands.

He still hasn't said a word to me. This scares me because I have no idea how he's going to react. Part of me wishes I'd never done it; part of me understands how revolting the weight of the spaghetti inside me felt. Regardless of which part of me is right, it was stupid to do it in Justin's house. The desperation just -

"Why?" Justin asks, interrupting my thoughts, his voice heavy with pain. At the sound of it, I know what I did was wrong, regardless of place or time. When I don't answer right away, he picks his head up to look at me. His eyes are red, hell, his whole face is. Desperate to take away the pain I've caused, I go to answer the best way I can.

"I've always had body image issues, Justin. This shouldn't surprise you. I was bullied in elementary school. Middle school was better, but I was still made to feel unwanted by guys. And then you know, high school," I stop, not wanting to talk about it. Justin looks at me confusedly.

"I always stuck up for you in elementary! And are you kidding? You were always the prettiest, even in middle school. Trust me, I should know. Every guy wanted you, they just didn't want to deal with me if they fucked up. And what are you talking about? We had a great time in high school!" He tries to make sense of it all. But he won't on his own. I'm going to have to tell him.

"Tyler," I whisper, knowing how he'd react. He doesn't disappoint. The name of my high school, and only, ex boyfriend sets Justin off. His hands ball up into fists as he lets out a huff. "Please, Justin. Not now. I need you to be here for me, not defending my honor," I plead. Justin complies, relaxing his hands.

"One guy made you like this?" He asks, genuinely concerned. I ponder over how to explain it to him, before deciding to just start, not needing a detailed plan.

"It wasn't just one guy, J. I had grown up thinking no guy would ever like me, so when one did, I felt like I had to grab on, and not let go. I know, throughout the whole relationship, I told you I was happy and so in love - and I was - but he never treated me right. He would call me fat, talk about how pretty or hot other girls were around me, show disgust when I ate... And it wasn't just my weight, he'd tell me to stay out of the sun because my skin was too dark. He'd be less attracted to me if I didn't straighten my hair. He just always made me feel like I was never good enough for him. And if I'd ever even let on to anyone that he treated me badly, he'd threaten to dump me. And I just couldn't lose him. He was the only chance I had at ever being wanted. And then, I found him in bed with a cheerleader - a skinny, blonde, white cheerleader - and it just broke my self esteem. I couldn't take it anymore. I'd had enough, and I'd rather be alone than -" I choke back tears. Justin comes over, sits next to me, cradling me. He rocks me back and forth, shushing my sobbing.

"It's okay, E. Shh, it's okay. It's over, now. That creep got what was coming to him. And you don't ever have to worry about not being enough. You are too good for any and everyone, and we're gonna work on this until you know it too, okay? We're gonna grow together. I love you. I know you're beautiful. Hell, everyone knows you're fucking perfect, even Tyler. Honestly, I think he was just afraid you'd realize he's no where near good enough for you. But that's in the past now. You are gonna get better, and I'm gonna be right here, holding your hand as you do," he affirms, grabbing my hand. I squeeze it back, thanking him. We both curl into each other and snuggle ourselves to sleep.