Been You

Chapter 66: Heart to Heart With Me

JUSTIN'S POV:

As the game goes on, we lose players one by one to a drunken slumber until the only two left awake are Atifa and I. The silence of the room made me believe that I was in fact the last one up, but that is proven wrong when Atifa's voice breaks the silence. "How long has she... struggled?" she asks. Damn, she must be really worried about Ely if she's still thinking about this.

"Well... she's struggled with body image for a while, like she said. The first time that she tried to act on her impulses - at least what she told me - was just before the homecoming ball. Before she met you," I inform, trying to quell any guilt she might be feeling. I know from experience, the worry about Ely's health is most likely coupled with guilt.

"You said tried. That means she hadn't done it yet. You stopped her," she deduces. I nod, confirming. "When did she actually..."

"Sometime during our break up. Do you remember the sleepover we all had after the pumpkin patch last month?" I ask. She nods once. "Well... Selena caught me off guard and kissed me. Ely saw and thought... Well she thought what anyone would think. I don't know why, but Selena was always a weak spot for El. And El's last boyfriend cheated on her, so you can understand why something like that would really fuck her up. And it did. We were only apart for a week, but so much damage had already been done. I found her running in the middle of the night. I couldn't get her to eat. When she finally did, I had to make sure she kept it down... it was really heartbreaking. I'll never forgive myself for letting it happen. I should've fought harder to keep her. It shouldn't have taken me a whole week to..." my voice breaks, the emotions flooding back.

"Do you think if I were a better friend, she'd have never started?" Atifa asks, her voice soaked in guilt. I mull this over, choosing my words carefully.

"I think if she weren't so alone, she might not have started. I think if she had someone there for her, she'd have been okay. Whether that someone was you or me or anyone, I think if she had someone... I don't think you should blame yourself though. A lot of different things directly pushed her to hurt herself. You not being as close to her as you are now is not one of them," I assure. She contemplates this.

"I feel like a terrible friend. I mean... I didn't even suspect anything like this. She just seems so confident. Especially when she's with you."

"She can be that way. She's naturally a very confident person. It's just her past with bullies and her abusive ex -"

"She was abused?" Atifa asks incredulously. Maybe I'm sharing too much. Dammit.

"I can't really go into specifics, but..." I nod, noncommittally confirming. "All of that can really take a toll on a person. And normally, she's able to be her regular, confident, happy, beautiful self. But every now and then, something might trigger her, and I have to always be on guard for that. You never know what it might be, so I kinda just watch her body language to things. I can tell she's having a rough time by if she eats weird, - you'd know what I mean if you saw it - or how she reacts to when I touch her certain places. She just has a few warning signs that I watch out for. But generally she's doing well. I can't let her know that I'm worrying so much though, because when I worry, she sometimes mistakes that for me not believing in her. It's just a very sensitive situation. I'm just worried about how she'll be after tonight. She didn't shy away from my touches, which is a good sign. But, I won't be sure she's okay until I see her eat tomorrow," I say, speaking more to myself than to Atifa as I look lovingly on Ely. I twirl one of her ringlets around my index finger lovingly.

"I wanna help," Atifa responds. I grimace at this.

"I love that you care about her so much, but... like I said about me, she can't know that you're worried about her. She'll think you're doubting her strength. That'll make her doubt her strength and..."

"I won't be all... interventiony, I just want to be in her corner you know? Like an extra set of eyes. Just to be there. Just to be a friend," she explains concernedly. I remember how desperate for friends Ely was. She was willing to forgive - my mind won't let me utter the name - in the sake of having friends. This would be good for her.

"Thank you," I answer. She smiles at this.

"You won't regret this."