Been You

Chapter 35: Wallow With Me

TRIGGER WARNING: EATING DISORDERS

ELYSANDRA'S POV:

It's Monday morning. I should've been to Econ twenty minutes ago. But her I am, laying in bed with tear-soaked tissues and an empty wine bottle. The same seven words keep echoing through my head: I can't believe Justin cheated on me. My head is pounding; from my hangover or from crying? I'm not sure. My phone chimes. I ignore, it can't be anything good. It chimes again. Shut up. When it chimes the third time, I've had it. I pick it up checking the messages. The first one is from Justin, obviously. I read that one first to get it out of the way.

Boyfriend: Ely, I'm so sorry about what happened last night. Please, please, please give me a chance to explain. It's not what you think.

Ignore.

Atifa: I heard yelling last night. Are you okay, Hun? If you need to talk, I'm here. No bias. -A

Me: Thanks, TiTi. Means a lot. -E

I appreciate her support, but I'm still really embarrassed about the whole situation. I'm not ready to discuss it. I move on to the last text.

Josh: Hey, I haven't heard from you in a while. Just wanted to let you know, there's no pressure with the training thing. Didn't mean anything by it either. Just wanted an excuse to see you again. Xx

Me: Hey, Josh. If the offer still applies, I really would like to do the training... I'd like to see you again, too (:

I thought that would make me feel better, but it doesn't. I just miss Justin more. I need comfort food. I go to my freezer, grabbing a pint of ice cream and a spoon. I sit at the table and eat the whole thing. I go back to my bed to see a new message on my screen.

Josh: I actually have an opening in an hour, if you're free?

Me: See you then, Josh

I look a whole mess. I need to get myself together. I don't need to look bad and feel bad. I jump into the shower and wash my hair. I diffuse my curls, then grab some workout leggings and a cropped hoodie. I slide on my sneakers and look in the mirror to make sure I look alright. But I don't. My clothes don't fit me the same and I'm not used to it. The leggings are unusually tight, making an indent in my stomach instead of laying flat against it. Images flash through my mind: Selena in workout leggings similar to mine, Justin kissing her, my body in the mirror right now, me scarfing down that pint of ice cream earlier... and with that I'm running to the bathroom. I kneel down in front of the toilet, shoving two fingers down my throat. It hurts, but nothing's coming out. Cmon bitch, do it. The voice in my head sounds like the bullies from grade school, middle school, high school, everywhere. This sends me over the edge. Finally I've reached down deep enough, and I am purged of those toxic calories. Instantly, I feel guilt weighing in the pit of my stomach. Justin would be so disappointed. This pisses me off. He doesn't get a say in what I do anymore. He's made his choice. If what I do now upsets him, great. I check the time. I'm running late. Damn. I run out the door, grabbing my backpack on the way. Once I get to the gym, I immediately spot Josh. It's impossible not to, he's so perfect looking. I walk up to him and he greets me.

"Hey, Ely! Wow, you look great," he compliments. Huh. So puking does work. Just wait until I get used to doing this. Just wait until I look better than Selena. Just wait... "Anyway, are you ready to get started?" I nod, still out of breath from running. Josh is actually a really good trainer. By the end of the workout, I'm covered in sweat. I'm exhausted, but the endorphins make me feel a million times better than I did this morning. I'm panting now, hands on my knees, catching my breath. "El, you really need to refuel after a workout. Do you maybe wanna go get something to eat?" Josh offers. My stomach turns at the word eat.

"Uh, I'd love to, but I actually have a class. I'll grab something on the way though, I promise! Maybe next time!" I lie on my way out of the gym. I'm leaving now so that he doesn't get a chance to question me. Why would I ruin all of my hard work with eating? No way. No way.