Been You

Chapter 39: Share Your Struggles With Me

ELYSANDRA'S POV:

When I wake up, Justin is still sleeping. His arms are locked around me tightly, making it impossible for me to move. Sometimes when I would wake up first, I'd talk to him. Say all of the things that I was afraid to say while he's awake. But not now; my current thoughts are too scary to be spoken aloud, even if I'm the only one to hear them. I have the strong urge to get rid of the burger I ate last night. If I could do it without waking Justin, I probably would. Is that why he's holding me this tightly? Or does he just miss me? Either way, deep down I'm grateful. I really do want to get better. I don't like hurting myself and Justin like this. It just feels good to finally be in control of how I look, to be in control at all, really. My whole life I'd been told I wasn't good enough and I just had to accept it. It's different when I'm losing weight. I'm not accepting it. But I know it's not real control if I can't choose when to stop. And I know I can't. Which is why I have to go back to being healthy. I just hope that I'm strong enough. My phone buzzes, abruptly waking up Justin.

"Ely?!" He yells, frightened. I look at him strangely. Once he sees me, he relaxes. "Sorry, E. Since you've been gone I've been having these dreams and..." he trails off.

"Hey, babe, it's alright. I'm here," I comfort. I kiss him softly, looking up into his honey colored eyes after. I hug him tightly. We rest there for a moment, until my stomach growls. Shit.

"Let's get you some breakfast," Justin says, starting to get up. I pull him back to me, pouting.

"Can we just stay here for a little while?" I mope. He looks at me doubtfully. It's not gonna work. I need more. I climb on top of him, still pouting. "We can play a little... we haven't done that in a while," I mope, drawing hearts on his bare chest with my fingers. I can see his facial expression soften. It's working. Yes. He leans in, millimeters away from my face, seconds away from giving in.

"Ely. When did you get this bad?" He asks. His face wasn't softened, it was saddened. "You're using sex to get out of eating? You should know that your health means more to me than... this," he gestures to my body, straddling his. Now I feel guilty.

"I'm sorry, J. It's just hard. I'm still trying to keep the burger down, and now you want me to eat more? I can't, Justin. It's too much, too fast," I say, honestly.

"Why didn't you tell me you were having a hard time? You can always talk to me about it. I won't be mad. I understand struggling. It's hard, I know. But you don't have to do it alone. You can talk to me about this," Justin comforts, rubbing my back softly.

"Can I just not do breakfast? I just need a little time. I promise I'll eat lunch. Please?" I beg.

"Okay," he agrees reluctantly. I feel bad, but I'll make it up to him. He picks me up off of his lap, resting me beside him. He lays back down, and we curl our naked bodies back into each other. My phone buzzes again, reminding me that someone messaged me earlier. I reach for my phone to read the text.

Josh: I really do think you should take a day off, but if you're gonna work out, I'd rather you not do it alone. I'm free around 2 if you still wanted...

Josh had been concerned that I've been training everyday, sometimes twice a day. He threatened to stop training me because he was worried, but I told him I would find another trainer or just do it alone. Now I have an opportunity to get rid of this burger, thank heavens. I start to type my response when Justin interrupts me.

"Who's that?" He asks. I freeze, trying to come up with an answer. What do I say? I can't lie to him. But I also can't tell him about Josh and the training. Not only will he be pissed, but he'll also never let me go again. Dammit. "Is it him?" His voice is soaked in pain. My jaw drops. "That's the nightmare I've been having, you know. You leave me for him," Justin says, sadly. I run my fingers through his silky hair, guiltily.

"No, babe. It's not like that. It's only you. You're the one. It's always been you. I love you. He's only texting me about training, baby. Promise," I confess.

"You've been training?" He asks, his voice still hurt. I feel so bad now. I nod guiltily. "Are you still going to do it?" He asks quietly. He's not mad? I was preparing for him to yell at me and tell me I'm not allowed to train, but I would've never expected... this. What do I do? I can't say yes, that'll crush him. Fuck.

"No. I'm gonna be too busy making up for lost time with my boyfriend," I say, before kissing him, both of us smiling into the kiss. It was hard to do, but I'm happy with my decision. I'd do anything, give up anything, for Justin.