Been You

Chapter 55: Cope With Me

ELYSANDRA'S POV:

Justin carried me up to his room, and now he's laying me softly on his bed. I strip off my shirt and pants as Justin walks over to his side of the bed. He pulls off his shirt and jeans before climbing in next to me. Our bodies naturally fold into each other. He closes his eyes and I attempt to do the same. However, every time I do, I see Tyler's menacing face hovering over me, preparing to violate me again. The flashbacks prevent me from closing my eyes for more than a moment. Desperate for a distraction, I press my lips against Justin's. His eyes remain closed as he continues to try to sleep, his lips minimally responsive. Craving his attention, I kiss him more deeply. His eyes flutter open confusedly. To make myself more clear, I roll over on top of him, straddling his waist. I put my hands on either side of his face as I passionately tongue him. After a moment, he pulls away from my kiss, furrowing his brows. "El, maybe now isn't the best time to... you know..."

"J, please?" I whimper, pouting as cutely as possible.

"El... I don't think I can... you know..." he says, looking down at his member. I roll my eyes and push myself off of him. Great. Now, I'm so broken even my own boyfriend isn't attracted to me. Frustrated and angry, I get up from the bed and bound towards the door in my bra and panties. "Wait, El, where are you going?" Justin asks me warily.

"I need a drink," I mutter, grabbing the doorknob.

"Okay, wait," he says, two fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. I pause, waiting for him to speak. "First, drinking won't help you feel any better. And, please, don't go out there without at least putting on one of my shirts?"

"Well, Justin, what will make me feel better? Because frankly, right now I'll try just about anything. Every time I close my fucking eyes, all I see is -" my voice breaks, tears welling in my eyes. I hadn't noticed, but my knuckles have gone white from gripping the doorknob so tightly.

"Hey, hey," Justin whispers gently. "I'm sorry," he says, holding his arms out, signaling me to come back to bed. I do. "You really think... being intimate will help get your mind off of this?" He asks, his voice dropping in sadness.

"Yes," I nod. He sighs before lifting my chin to kiss me softly. I kiss him back, much more aggressively. My kiss pushes him up against the headboard. When he doesn't reach for my bra, I unclip it myself allowing it to fall. He doesn't react in the way that he normally does. This upsets me, making me crave his attention even more. "Touch me," I breathe into his ear. He places on hand on my hip, clearly avoiding the places that I need him most. Frustrated with him, I pull away. He frowns. "Fine," I say, turning away from him.

"Ely, I'm sorry. I'm just... I don't want to take advantage of you when you're... vulnerable."

"I said it's fine," I respond, my back still to him. I can feel him rolling his eyes in frustration. Whatever. Still in need of a distraction, I remove my panties, leaving me completely naked. I begin rubbing myself, closing my eyes in pleasure, trying to block out the negative emotions. It's not completely effective, but it's better than nothing. I let out a soft moan.

"Cmon, E, what the hell?" Justin asks, frustrated.

"You don't wanna do it, so I'll do it myself."

Justin grab me by my shoulders turning me around to face him. My eyes widen, shocked at his sudden forcefulness. "Talk to me."

"What do you want me to say, Justin?" I ask tiredly.

"I want you to tell me what you're feeling. I want you to let it out. I want you to not try to run from your emotions," Justin says, his voice worried. I frown in realization.

"I feel scared. I'm scared of what I see when I close my eyes. I'm scared of the memory of Tyler almost... I'm scared of the possibility of Tyler... doing that. I feel powerless. I feel like I have no control over anything. Tyler wants to have sex with me, and he does, regardless of what I want. You don't want to have sex with me because of Tyler, regardless of what I want. I feel... defeated." Justin frowns at me.

"Ely... me not having sex with you is not because of Tyler. He has no say in our relationship whatsoever. I just... I'm hurting too. Tonight, I could've lost the single most important part of my world. And I know what I went through pales in comparison to what you have, but it still hurts me. And I'm sorry that I'm not able to be that distraction for you right now, but please believe I want to. I want to do anything to make you feel better, I swear. Please believe me?"

"I do," I whisper, understanding.

"I understand if you need to... do what you need to do," he continues, gesturing toward my lower region. "But please don't be mad at me?"

"I won't," I answer, pecking him softly on the lips before continuing, staring deeply into his eyes as a do so.