Jakarta, 12 June 2017.
01:06 AM.
Gue pengen banget nulis ini dari dulu and I hope you guys read it and open your mind.
WARNING!!!
This part maybe is a sensitive topic for some people. So I warn you. If you are here, please be open minded and take everything you can.
This is not about discrimination or racism with another religion. It is beyond that. Ignore everything that connected with my religion and change it base on what you belief. So if there's a word "bible" in here, read it as your own holy book.
****
Here we go!
Some people said that there will be a moment of life changing in your life. Let's say people who won Indonesia's Got Talents or Ayu Gani for example that won Asia's Next Top Model and got a contract with NEXT model.
That's what life changing means.
A moment when your life turn 180 degree and change your life completly. Get it?
I have that moment before. That was the first time I took a commitment. I never used to a word "commit" before because I thought I will never made it.
On my 8th grade, I took a commitment: "I wont date anyone until I graduate high school."
Man. That was a freaking long time. 5 years before my commitment end.
I said that word but I never actually meant it. "Let it flows," I said. "I will try my best," I said but I actually wanted to try to stick with this commitment. For once I wanted to have a mission in life. At that moment, I didn't know that my commitment was being tempted.
A lot of guys came to me and talked. They cared to me, and I felt save. But then something in my mind said "remember. You wont date anyone until you graduate high school."
Do you know what I did?
I prayed.
Because I'm a Christian, I prayed base on what I belief.
"God," I said. "If he is the best for me, then open the doors for us. But if he is not the one, please close every door and lock it."
You know what He did? He answered my prayer. One by one He made a wall between me and the guys that close to me. It was like He built a barrier around my heart to protects it from being broken into pieces.
When I took my commitment, they gave me a ring. I never took it off. From what I thought, the ring is like a circle around my hearts. It protected my heart from being broken. I realized that ring was one of the most important thing in my life.
When I was on 10th grade, there was a guy that caught my attention. He is a year older than me. We talked, spent our time together for 4 months, the longest time that I've ever been with a guy.
I was on a car on my way back home when a question popped in my head.
"Should I break my commitment to be with this guy?"
I was too scared to pray. I finally felt what love is and I didn't want it to be taken away from me.
I played with my ring for a while and the same question kept repeating in my head.
"Should I break it?"
I was so fragile and scared. I did what I think is the best for me.
I prayed again. The same prayer that I've said everytime I like a guy.
"If he is the one, please make the way."
I secretly hoped He would open the way, but He didn't. That guy said that his parent didn't agree with him being in a relationship. That knocked me out from my dream.
He, again, closed the way.
Yes, I cried. Did my heart broken? Probably. Or maybe it just cracked. I don't know.
I was mad. Why would He let me to like him if He didn't want us to be together? Why didn't He protect my heart from the beginning?
The answer that I got was simple.
"Davia, it is easier to heal scratches than to heal deep wounds."
Yes I was hurt. Yes I cried for days before I get over him. But I understood. He tried to give me a lesson.
"You haven't fall too deep, Dav. Can you imagine? This is just scratches. What if you fall in love with him deeper? It will broke your heart even more. There's something that I keep from you, and this is not the best time to tell you yet," He said.
I realized. All He did was only one of His ways to protected me.
I moved on from that guy and I never fall in love with another guy. There was something that holding me back to trust another guy. I don't want to feel the same pain again.
I got through 11th and 12th grade easily.
It was a few days before I graduate high school. A few days before my heart's barrier turned into a simple ring.
I went to a cafe with my friends. We talked a lot. Talked about our past, what we did on 10th and 11th grade, who being with who and then broke up.
Then that guy, my 4 months guy's name was mentioned.
They asked why we decided to "break up" even though we didn't have any string attached. One of my friend heard my reasons and she said "(excuse me) bullshit."
"What?" I asked.
"He was only playing with you, Dav. He never liked you. That's what my brother said."
Pang!
That hit me hard.
He never liked me.
Then I remembered what God's said.
"I tried to protect you."
"There's something you must know, but not now."
After my friend told me that, I tried to find pain in my heart, but I couldn't feel any. All I found was gladness run in my body.
Imagine this.
If I broke my commitment, being in a relationship with him, and I found out that he was playing with me, I probably would hurt more. I probably regreted that I broke my commitment for useless thing. I would feel depress.
But He stoped me before that happen.
Now guys, what I try to tell you is simple.
I graduated from high school right now and I still wear that ring. It still protects my heart from all the bad boys.
No, it is not the same commitment anymore. I renew it.
My commitment now: "I will protect my heart and wait for the right guy to come."
I have this dream wedding picture in my head.
I will say the vow in front of my friends, family and God, of course. But I want my wedding to be different.
I will be wearing my promise ring.
When the pasteur tells my future husband to put wedding ring on my finger, I would like him to take off my promise ring and change it with wedding ring.
It's like saying "God, You have protected my wife's heart for a long time. Now it's my turn to protect it. I wont break her heart."
I probably will cry if my future husband says it.
No.
I'm sure I will cry.
Goodnight :)
- davia -
