waiting for the right moment

chapter seven

Thirty days of suffering

Suffering can be caused by the one thing that provides you with happiness sometimes. To suffer from heart aches and most importantly from being afraid to be who you once were. It is very difficult to live with your fears and to stand there trying to help yourself once again. Through life you learn that in seconds everything could change. I always feared to go back to the past days were ill be insecure and weep all the time. It is so hard to live with your past sometimes, especially at a young age when you're a teenager and should live your age sloppily and have fun.

Day one felt like I'm living a life with no purpose. I lost someone that made my life more meaningful for once. I lost my tutoring center that kept me busy from over thinking and my fears this was the time I finally realized that I had to search for something new, something that was worth continuing for.

I never felt pain like that before. Burning souls, heart aches, and eyes filled with tears which couldn't run down my cheeks. I had to act like an emotionless block, to not be affected by what had happened because crying only means that you care too much and you wouldn't like your parents knowing that. There was no one to understand you, to understand that you can't control how you feel because no one can...

It was hard especially with Aiden messaging me worried and I was hopeless, I was forbidden to reply, if I had the chance to reply back I would have explained myself to him and to let him know what had happened.

It was time to find something new for me not to feel lonely, not to over think, and not to be a mess starting from zero again. Though, I know I was. I was in shock and I couldn't let it out, I should have cried to feel better. A book was my only friend, I spent my first day reading in order to feel like my life wasn't interrupted by something. I slept early that night because it was the only way to feel secure.

For Aiden I never knew how his first day was, yet I know it was hard for him as well because he was left unexplained and with no clue. I think he had his breakdowns, his sleepless nights. But nothing was confirmed I just thought.

Destiny is hard on us sometimes. It feels like that I was cursed to never feel good in life. Everything you wish for can't be yours, it is just how life works. You meet up with someone, be too close to them have your souls united, helping each other, and waking up every day to live life and fight for what you have.

Day two was even harder; I woke up with pain like a knife in my chest. As the story of the both of us became older the realization of what I was living was worse.

I dressed up for school and didn't bother to look in the mirror because I felt like a ghost and wanted to look as one. I wanted to look like I've been crying even when I weren't and especially I wanted to look unhappy. I got to class and sat as an alien on his first day visiting the world, silent like I'm just a body with a lost soul. My classmate Clara informed me about Aiden and how he was handling everything. Oppositely of how I expected, he was with Savannah all the time. Like damn is it that easy for him? He already found someone to heal him. That left me in shock until the day had ended and I went home. When I arrived, I didn't know what to do because I used to be rushed and had no time to stay. I sat there cross legged on the couch going over what I have lived... yet, no tears fell down.

I felt my body aching to return back my old life. Reality always hurt though I kept day dreaming to escape this hurt. As my phone was taken away it was even harder not to feel lonelier, but a book helped and so did sleep.

Fake a smile. That is what I learned through life, you aren't allowed to cry because it only means that you care and you wouldn't like your parents knowing that. As each day passed, a piece of my heart escaped with it and kept me bleeding in my place.