waiting for the right moment

chapter ten

27/12/2016

Today I finally come in peace with myself. I let out my all I cried like. I haven’t before, I needed this, I needed it to be all cut. Love? I closed the door of this from now on. I don’t want to fall in love with anyone anymore. I wanted him to see me to see what he broke. He shattered me into pieces, and every piece of them has its story. How do you feel if someone came and told you that he has no more feeling for you? He feels nothing. That nothing aches inside of me as his words escaped his mouth. I’m so hurt I don’t know anymore, I had the chance to move on but I didn’t, I did nothing and now I regret letting my feelings grow, I feel so worthless. I cried my shit out and he saw me. He was hurt to see what he did. From the first time, I met him he saw me a lot of times crying and I hate this but I couldn’t hold it. He saw my breakdown that no one had saw before, I was so broken I didn’t care who was there. I looked in the bathroom mirror and I just said what am I doing to myself? Is love so difficult? Why is this happening? I wiped my tears and got out… I saw him minutes before he broke down I stopped him from that and I don’t know why. If this isn’t love what is it? I cared about him even in my worst situation. Why? Why didn’t I let him break down? Why couldn’t I be selfish for one time? Because I love him. I ordered all the people in the room to get out because I had to do that. I looked up into his eyes and I asked him what’s going on? He told me it’s nothing. I told him let us help each other and he told me it’s something that only hurts me. Could it have been that I hurt him? Seeing me so miserable? And it hits me. What am I doing? I looked up at him and told him that I care about you, I care about you as one of my friends not as someone that I love. And it wasn’t true, I hope that one day it will, that one day I’ll be a normal teenager with a normal life. I hope that I don’t need him to feel good. I told him that I’m crying not because I’ve had enough this week I haven’t eaten and slept well and I’m tired… I broke again. This time in sobs I sat down and he got on his knees he told me not to cry that it hurts him, he told me not to get nervous and stressed. This moment was priceless. Him begging me to smile and to wipe my eyes. I wanted to tell him how I feel but I couldn’t because I was obliged but keeping it to your heart even hurts more. But now what? He won. Yes, he did. I’ll be going through hell and he’ll be living in his paradise. After all the thinking, I did, now I know that I’m not worth it but I hope one day I will be. I hope I’ll regain my self-confidence. I hope that I’ll love myself. I want to change, I want to move on. Can I? I’ve been thinking of cutting my hair and it’s the most moment I wish I would do that. I want to let my madness out all the stress out. I love you and I can’t just move on with you being close to me that I can see you every day,  you saw the part of me that no one ever saw except my parents. You saw the weak me, the spontaneous one. It is okay to cry but I don’t want to cry over you anymore I have a future ahead of me that from now on I’ll never expect you to be in it. I’ll never forget what you did. The only thing you felt toward me was guilt I’m sure now. At first it was your friendship feeling and then you were worried to be in love with me. How was I this stupid to believe that someone can love truly, a boy at the age of 16. Then what? You felt guilty that I stopped being tutored because of you. Thanks, I guess. And now you feel guilt that I’m crying. How pathetic are you. Yet I believed that you loved me. This fucking shit, you loved me? You only felt guilty, fucking guilty because of your mistakes, I don’t care that I cry because why should I? I don’t want to be a fake. And I’m going to let my madness out. I won’t cut my hair anymore I have to deal with this in other ways…not the same way every time. I assure you you’re going to know what you lost. There’s a flame inside of me that won’t be there again from now on. I don’t know if I hate you now but I’m hurt. Though,  this should have happened a long time ago.
The way quotes speak to me about him, it's unbelievable
 

   “Do not leave yourself to find someone else”. I saw this quote today and I couldn’t relate more especially at this situation that I’m in it. I left myself for him. He became my everything in a short period of time and I cared about him more than I cared about myself. It hurts realizing it now this late after two months or more. It is too late. I remember making him a better person a better version of him. Have I seen his true soul? I wonder if I did but I still feel something when I look into his eyes… I feel that there's something untold. Did he love me truely? I can’t know, he says he has no feelings for me but I see the opposite in his eyes, but I have to move on; I still don’t know how.