Camp for the Emotionally (Un)Stable || Lams

Chapter Four: Angelica Is Different

Laurens|First Person

I feel almost guilty leaving Alex on his own in the cabin, but he looked like he was going to pass out any second so I doubt he was awake for much longer after I left. I didn't think I'd do very well on my own with him too much longer anyway. I had taken on a careful approach to Alex, fearful of setting him off again. Martha told me that yelling and fighting might be a trigger for him, causing the anxiety attack that made him black out. I guess he really is as fucked as the rest of us. 

I've seen most of that group at their worst. I've seen Eliza have a complete mental breakdown and trash her cabin. I watched Lafayette doing all his routines before leaving in the morning, counting and tapping and odd things that he is forced to do to keep a stable mindset. I saw Hercules collapse from exhaustion after going nearly a week with only an hour or so of sleep. Even Angelica who seems like the most put together out of all of us. I've helped her over to Martha's office after tearing half her hair out and vomiting up her dinner.  

We're all far from being functioning members of society, I'll be the first to admit it. 

I sit on the dock that no one uses after they removed kayaking from the camp's activities list. My feet dangle half a foot above the water, the untied laces skimming the surface. I try my best to sort through the day, thinking about how calm Alexander was before we set him off. I remember his half smiles and pink cheeks as he stumbled his way through our conversation. Bi, I think to myself. This quiet, mess of a boy is bisexual. 

I have to fight to keep my thoughts from going too far in that direction. I couldn't date him. He couldn't date me. It would most likely end terribly, given that both of us have pretty fucked up personalities that would clash if either of us went further than friendship. As disappointing as it is, I suck it up and tell myself I'd be hurting him if I did anything.

"John?" I look over my shoulder at Angelica Schuyler, wrapping a pink sweater tightly around her thin frame. She lowers herself beside me on the wooden structure, sitting with her legs crossed in front of her rather than dangling them down off the edge. "I'm sorry about Eliza earlier today."

"It's ok, I know how she gets." She hums and looks down at her hands. "I shouldn't have fought back though." She nods, looking up at me. 

"Is Alexander ok?" She reaches up to wrap a strand of her hair around her finger, pulling a little. It's a nervous habit I've picked up on. She's a year older than me, but already far more mature than any eighteen year old I've met. She's often the one keeping Eliza from causing too much trouble and keeping Peggy from spending her life alone in her room. I can see why she has a hard time keeping her stress under control after a while. 

"He's ok." I give her what I hope is a reassuring look, she doesn't need another person to worry about. She nods and sucks in a breath. "Did you eat dinner, Ang?"

She looks over at me, guilt written on her face. "I wasn't hungry."

"You've got to eat." She looks away from me, out across the lake. "Promise you'll eat breakfast?" She looks back at me, ready to argue against my request. I shoot her a look and she shuts her mouth. 

"You skipped dinner too," she acknowledges.

"I ate in my cabin." She hums, seemingly giving up on trying to justify her actions. 

"Eliza didn't mean it earlier, you know that, right?" 

Can't you see you're making it worse?

I nod, though I don't really mean it. Angelica looks at me with tired eyes, forcing a weak smile onto her face. "I'm going to find the girls, then I'm headed to bed. Come over if you need anything, John. I don't think you're a bad guy, you just need some guidance sometimes." I return her smile as she stands and crosses her arms protectively over her body, then she walks away without further conversation.

I sit alone on the dock for a while longer, reflecting on Angelica's words. I want to believe everything she says, she has a talent of finding the best in anyone. Maybe there is a version of me with only good intentions deep down. Maybe that's the version of me she sees, the one who only wanted someone who knew Alexander the best to help him. The one who walked him back to his cabin and fed him a granola bar. The one who knows not to try to get closer to him because it could only end badly. That's the version I wish everyone could see.

My watch tells me it's only about eight, but I can already feel fatigue setting in as I force my stiff limbs to carry me back to my cabin. The lights are on inside, but Alexander is asleep in bed. I change out of my shorts and t-shirt and into sweats, tiredly glancing around the room before turning off the light and settling in for the night. Just as I'm about to fall asleep though, I catch the soft voice of Alexander Hamilton from across the room. 

"Night, John," it breathes, and though he's a good ten or so feet away, it feels like he's right next to me. 

I woke up to so many notifications! Ah it made my day, thank you so much.
<3