Camp for the Emotionally (Un)Stable || Lams

Chapter Twenty-Three: Glorious Goodbye

Laurens|First Person

I tap on my steering wheel anxiously as I glance out the window of my truck for the millionth time in the past two minutes. It's nearly twelve-thirty at this point and I'm beginning to fear that Alexander isn't coming at all. My mind races to every worst-case-possible it can conjure up, though I work hard to shut it down. 

I'd spent the day doing anything and everything I could to keep my thoughts off of Alex. Thinking about his situation made everything just a little more unbearable. So instead I'd found a empty space in the back of a big parking lot and called Peggy back. She had of course chewed me out for a good ten minutes, then started to grill me for details just before Angelica took her phone to get in a good yell at me as well. Eventually they settled down and I'd managed to explain to them what happened. 

Peggy knew a lot of this. She'd gotten more letters from Alex than she'd let on. I tried really hard not to let it bother me that she kept them to herself, but it got increasingly more intolerable every time she made a comment on his situation. I love the girl, but this whole letter thing was really, fucking pissing me off. 

After a while they'd let me go with a promise to find a motel room and get a nap in before going to meet up with Alexander tonight. I had agreed begrudgingly, knowing it would be nearly impossible for me to relax when the idea of finally getting to see Alexander properly again bounced around in my head. 

Thoughts of his new, shorter hair, and his wide smile flashed behind my eyes every time I tried to close them and I was daydreaming about what we would talk about tonight before I could even make a conscious decision to switch to that topic at all. Still, it was nice to allow myself to fully engulf my mind in thoughts about Alexander. It had grown to be quite exhausting fighting against his memory all this time. 

Now it was even harder. I look out my window again, squinting up Alex's street. My eyes morph the trees' shadows into figures that resemble Alex, instilling me with fake hope that he's might still be coming. My heart drops a little lower every time one of them comes into focus. I chew on the inside of my cheek, starting to feel hopeless. 

"Sorry it took me so long." 

I jump in my seat, straining against my seatbelt as I whip around to the passenger door that shuts softly. Alexander slides into the seat beside me, leaning over to strap himself in. My heart beats unreasonably fast when he looks up at me. I grin without consent. 

"I thought you weren't going to come," I admit in a quiet voice. 

He shrugs, "well, too bad, here I am." 

I chuckle, tears of joy threatening to spill over my eyes. I blink them away, determined to keep this a simply joyous reunion. "God, I missed you," I whisper, not too sure if it was the best idea for me to actually say that out loud. Alex smiles back shyly though, so I figure I haven't scared him off already. Something about being outside the environment a summer camp provides makes it a lot more difficult to socialize with him. 

"D-do you think it would be a bad idea to kiss you?" I ask, cursing myself for my forwardness. I chew my lip, begging him to make eye contact while he thinks this over. His eyelashes flutter as he blinks, looking at me for hardly a second before flitting his gaze away to answer.

"I don't think that's such a good idea," he mutters, picking up the edge of his sleeve to distract himself. My stomach sinks a little in regret. All I want to do is hug him and take back what I said...but I can't. He doesn't want me to touch him. I can see that. I try to hide my disappointment as I shift my truck into drive.

"That's ok. You're probably right, I mean, we haven't see each other for almost a year." I brush him off nonchalantly, though my voice is tight and I fear he sees right through me.

"John, I didn't mean it like that, I-"

"Let's not talk about this right now," I cut him off sternly. I don't feel like hearing a long list of excuses he plans on using to brush me off for however long. I bite down on the inside of my lip, my chest pinching with the pain that somehow makes the conversation more manageable. I press down a little harder on the gas, pulling onto what looks like the town's main street.

"Well, what do you want to talk about?" Alex asks in a soft voice. I release my lip for a half second to answer him.

"What have you been up to? You've been writing to Peggy a little more than I thought you were."

"John, it's not like that-"

"I don't care how it is, Alexander." I nearly growl at him now, my teeth clamped shut. I pull off onto an empty road that looks like it heads out of town, picking up speed again. "Just tell me what you were doing all this time," I try again. This time attempting to soften my voice, though it still sounds backhanded. Alex shrinks down a little in his seat. This is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.

"I- I, uh, just sort of bounced f-from house to h-house." He stammers. I bite back onto my lip, noticing his stutter is still there. He's usually only like this when he's nervous. I couldn't possibly be making him nervous...could I?

I shift my gear up, pressing the gas pedal down even more so as I swerve around a tire someone left at the edge of the road. I glance to Alex for a second who is eyeing the speedometer.

"M-maybe we should s-s-slow d-do-down."

Alex's stutter was never this bad back at camp...

I look down to see I'm going nearly seventy. A sign that I just barely catch says the limit is fifty-five. I ease my foot off the pedal until we're at sixty.

"I just missed you a lot, Alex. Ok? I'm sorry for being a little annoyed you waited so long to reach out." My tone is still irritated, but I can't do much to help it. I am mad. Who gave Peggy of all people the right to be Alex's new best friend? I'm supposed to be there for him. I failed him by not fixing this sooner- though it would've been a little easier if he had just reached out, but...

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

Alex stays curled up in his seat, pressed far away from me. "I- I just knew I could t-trust Peggy," he tells me. I feel my anger flare. He didn't think he could trust me?

"You thought you couldn't trust me?" I ask, the hurt clear in my voice. I suck in a breath, just barely catching Alex's small voice over the roar of my truck's engine. I look down again, seeing we've climbed back into the seventies.

"I wasn't sure if you still cared, John," he breathes, fueling my anger further. We speed into eighty miles an hour.

"I fucking loved you, Alex!" I counter, my words ringing through the cab of the truck. I suck in a breath, my knuckles turning white around the steering wheel.

"Loved?" Alex repeats. I look over for a moment, watching his face crumple.

"Love," I correct, bringing a hand up to run through my hair. "Love," I say again, "fuck, Alex. I love you. Still do." I look back to him, hoping to soften the mood. My foot eases off the pedal, leaving us cruising at hardly thirty miles an hour.

He presses his lips together. "Can you take me back h-home?"

"That place is not your home," I growl, trying to mask my wounded heart.

"Take me back anyway," he demands in a stronger voice than what I'm used to. I sigh a little, making a depressing U-turn.

"Is this is then? Our final glorious goodbye?" Tears threaten from behind my eyes.

"I really don't think it'd be good for me to come back," he mutters.

Ooh, feel the angst, kids. I've been tragically ill for the past couple days so I've had a while to write some chapters I have backlogged, ready to be edited. Don't expect anything with structure though, I'm not that organized. 
<3