Camp for the Emotionally (Un)Stable || Lams

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Follow Your Heart, But Make Sure Your Brain Agrees

Hamilton|First Person

I feel guilty for lying to John so blatantly, even if he really couldn't tell. It just felt wrong. He felt wrong too though, so I know it isn't just me. It didn't feel the same way as it did back at camp in the car with him. It's almost like he's trying too hard to be normal around me. 

I mean, of course I'd love to take him back and live happily ever after in some apartment together, but that's not really the case unfortunately. John Laurens is a unpredictable, hot headed idiot who has really no idea how to handle the situation at hand.

He's trying though, and that really does makes all the difference. He's trying to keep me around and trying to get me out of the group home. That's what's keeping me a little bit dizzy every time I think about his dopey smile, or his pretty curls. I'll always have something left in me for the goofy, tanned boy I met during summer camp. 

Even as I pull out my journal to write to Peggy again, I feel a tad bit of guilt tug at me. I really shouldn't be going behind John's back to one of his best friends for advice on what to do about him. I don't let it stop me from writing though. I need the input more than a clear conscious. 

Hey Peg-leg. I'm back to letters again, the good 'ol days. 

John found me again, but I'm sure you're already in the loop. But, is he really all right, Pegs? He seems...off. Even more so than he was during those last couple weeks of camp. He's sort of all I've got left right now though, so I want to know if it's worth getting back into this again. 

I miss you, Peggy. Angelica too. Maybe when I get back out in the world I could come visit. 

Love, Alexander. 

I feel my hands shake as I hand the letter over to James who's the only one allowed to leave the home on his own right now. He shoots me a look as I reluctantly release the envelope. I only nod, mostly to myself. I tell myself that this isn't a bad thing to do. It's smart. Sometimes brain has to come before heart. 

===

I'm borderline sick with anxiety the next couple days, patiently awaiting a returned letter from a certain Peggy Schuyler. I gave her the post office as the return address so that Mrs. Cornelius won't just toss the thing when it comes. It doesn't though- well not for what seems like the longest week of my entire life. 

It's visiting day again by the time James comes back to the home with a big white envelope with Alex written in swoopy cursive on the front. I rip the thing from his hands before he can even properly say hello to me, immediately tearing the flap open and wriggling out Peggy's pretty, cream-colored stationery. She'd told me at camp she'd always loved the idea of sending letter back and forth with her fancy ink pen her grandmother had bought for her before passing. At least one of us got to fulfill those fantasies. 

Lexi, 

We miss you too! So much, you have no idea. I think Lizzie even has a crush on you. 

John is a bit of a loose cannon right now. He's been trying really hard all summer to work on himself. He wanted to have something stable for you when you got out. He's even got a job again. Down at some burger place in the middle of town. He's been pretty much staying with us lately. I don't think his mom minds all that much. He is a legal adult now I guess. I keep forgetting that. 

Whatever you decide to do with John, just know you can always come stay with us. As long as you need. You have our address if you need to call an Uber or something to drive you down. Angie and I'll pay when you get here. I know you're like six hours or something stupid like that north of us. 

Hope we'll see you soon!

Love you lots, Peg-Leg. 

I bite my lip out of indecision. 

She seems to know what I'm talking about with John's recent behavior, so that can't mean he's completely ok right now. But, on the other hand, neither am I, and from what he's told me neither is Angelica, or even Peggy. I guess that's why we all ended up friends in the first place though. Our fucked up tendencies threw us all into a steaming pot of counselling and coping mechanisms. 

I have to remember that John has his issues too. I forget that he's just as screwed in the brain as the rest of us. Sometimes he seems like the only sane person left to hold us together. But then things like with Maria in the dining hall last year resurface and everything seems to play over again in my mind. 

I know it's little sick that it makes me love him all that much more when I can see his cracks, but who could blame me? Doesn't everyone want someone that makes them feel a little more stable when they wake up next to them? Maybe that's what John finds so attractive in me. It seems like too much of a hassle to try to track down someone like me if there's really nothing else in it for him. 

I can't say it makes me want him any less. I get it. We all have that thing that helps us out of bed in the morning. Maybe his is seeing his gloomy excuse of a crush. 

When he knocks on the door to pick me up later that day I go with him without question. I don't shut him down when he makes small talk, and I grin at him genuinely when he shows me the charger he picked up for James' phone earlier. I don't even hesitate when he leans in to kiss me, in fact I lean right back and return his kiss until I really have to be back or else the witch'll be mad. 

I don't even lie about being sure to text him as soon as the phone is charged. I live up to that promise. It's the least I can do after all the other ones I've broken. 

Everything else is unofficially put on hold until I finish this damn thing ahhhhhhhhhhh

Also, I only edited half of this because fuck well-written content.
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